Fifty Shades of Grey Rant

***Disclaimer if you like Fifty Shades of Grey you probably shouldn’t read this***

fifty shades of greyAs I said in my Keep It Fresh Award: “I love Neil Gaiman; I hate Fifty Shades of Grey”. Not that the fact that I love Neil Gaiman is relevant (but it does kind of soften the blow a little). It’s just a bit of a heads up cos I’m gonna go into full-blown rant mode. Because this book seriously sucks.

There was no plot, the characters were garbage and the sex scenes were nothing like what was promised! Ok, I take some of that back- there was something of a plot, and it revolved round Christian Gray being a creepy stalker. And fairly abusive. So I guess that also proves he has a character- even though that character is a total freak. And on some level Ana does have a personality. She has the personality of a weirdo that needs a rich billionaire to make her realise that she is actually a woman with a sexuality. Oh, and she’s also someone who seems to be doing ok with her life, has her sh*t together, but somehow has never got round to buying a laptop for Uni- err what?!? How did she manage that? (incidentally, if my flatmate had constantly been asking to borrow my laptop every time they needed to do an essay, I’d have told them where to go aka THE LIBRARY).Luckily Ana has all that lip biting to make her character well-rounded. *Bangs head against the wall*. You know- because sexy-lip-biting is totally a thing *heavy sarcasm*. Give me a break. It honestly just makes me wonder about how much lip balm she probably needs (seriously my mind wandered to this while I was reading- that’s how bored I was).

We get to watch Ana’s journey of self-discovery, with all the exciting scenes we enjoyed from twilight- like doing household chores… and reading contracts. I thought the parts in Twilight when Bella did her laundry were dull- but E.L. James takes dull to a whole other level. She includes grocery shopping and working in a hardware store as part of a book about sex. What, are we supposed to be turned on by that weird scene where Christian stalks Ana at her place of work, and asks her about ropes? Oh, c’mon! Is that supposed to be sexy??? It’s just a mixture of weird and mundane.

And no, I didn’t put a spoiler warning on, because there’s no way you can be spoiled for this book. Because nothing happens. It’s just two strangers making awkward small talk and having “kinky sex”- and not very often considering this is supposed to be a raunchy book. And when they do eventually get round to it, it’s actually quite off-putting. Because to be honest, it was either extremely awkward or bordering on rapey. Which I suppose is fine if that floats your boat.

Not that I think it was really written as a rape fantasy- which just put a huge question mark over *the whole thing*. In a way, (oh my goodness I can’t believe I’m getting into an in-depth analysis of this) rape fantasies work because they’ve got the whole “I shouldn’t want this, but I do” thing going on. But this was just uncomfortable. Because there was nothing sexy about when she was being pressured into doing things she didn’t want to do. Or when she actively was not enjoying it. It just made me wonder if it was actually consensual and if it counted as sexual coercion- which is not what I want to be thinking about when I’m reading a book like this. Seriously, if you want to read better erotica, you really don’t have to look far- the internet is free and google is easy to use :p

Besides, “oh my” and “holy cow” doesn’t really do it for me- and it shouldn’t do it for anyone! Also what is with the weird 90s “baby” and the fact that she hasn’t figured out how to do anything other than email on her laptop. Oh wait, I forgot- she didn’t have a laptop till her “saviour” Christian Grey came in and bought her one. But seriously- the writing is truly dismal. “My inner goddess is doing the samba”??!!? Who writes like that?

So yeah, this book left me completely cold. Not that any of this is new- people (and me in real life) have been ranting about this book for years. But at least now I’ve made my feelings clear.

As for the rating- what rating could I possibly give this- nope, no bananas for this book! It doesn’t deserve any! Maybe a banana peel thrown at E. L. Jame’s head though!

banana peel

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53 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Grey Rant

  1. thesarahdoughty says:

    Haha, I was wondering if you’d reach the horrid inner goddess garbage. I read the trilogy, thinking *maybe* it would evolve into something not abuse or actually resemble something of what a healthy BDSM relationship would be. But no. I’m with you on every point of this one.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. thesarahdoughty says:

    Read: Oh, did I forget to eat again? *giggle* me: *face palm* I rolled my eyes every time that inner goddess crap came out and thought, idly, that it would make a good drinking game. Anytime it’s written in the book, take a shot. But then I thought the person would die if alcohol poisoning. *end rant* 😆😆😆

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Matthew Wright says:

    I’ve never read ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ or its sequels. Never will. Especially not when time is precious and there are so many truly great books out there that DO need reading! You know I still haven’t read the ‘Grapes of Wrath’? It’s been in my ‘to read’ pile for ages!

    Actually, I haven’t read ‘Twilight’ or seen any of the movies or TV shows or whatever they made out of it, either.

    Of course, I wouldn’t mind having E. L. James’ royalty cheques! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. authorswilliams says:

    The other day when we were having this conversation I immediately thought of Twilight too. Lol. I’m glad I never read or viewed either ones of these. Also thanks fir the run down . Usually I hate bad reviews but this made me laugh

    Liked by 1 person

  5. authorswilliams says:

    Reblogged this on Life, love, and writing and commented:
    My friends, christian and non, here is an in depth look at why this book is HORRIBLE in so many ways. This book disgusts me on multiple levels. If not for a facebook friend who clued me in one what it was about, I’d have never known. My blogger friend does a great job as well, of cluing people in, as to why this book is a complete and utter waste of time.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. mudandstars says:

    Love this post, I couldn’t agree more!! Fifty Shades is the least sexy ‘sexy book’ I have ever read! The writing is so cringey. I mean, you could invent a drinking game where you do a shot every time Ana’s ‘inner goddess’ experiments with a different variety of dance and get very drunk indeed. And who the hell says ‘holy cow’?! And why oh why doesn’t she have a laptop or email address?! I just do not understand! Your comment about lip balm made me laugh – legitimate concern!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      Exactly!! Oh god- what made James even use the term “inner goddess” for crying out loud! That is an excellent idea. I know- it’s like she’s read the “Sh*t nobody says” dialogue manual. YES!!!! That was honestly one of my biggest problems with the book. I mean it’s not like she’s destitute and she needs it for uni- so why doesn’t she go out and buy one???! Exactly- these are the things James clearly didn’t think through when she was writing!! (if you can call that “writing” It’s more just word-vomit)

      Liked by 1 person

      • mudandstars says:

        Haha ‘shit nobody says’ manual, I love that! So, so true. To be honest, part of me thinks the entire thing is all an elaborate joke/satire. I don’t remember it from the book, but apparently there’s a line where she’s talking about blushing and she says ‘ I must be the colour of the communist manifesto’!! I mean really, the writing is so bad, surely EL James is trolling…

        Liked by 1 person

        • theorangutanlibrarian says:

          Oh gosh I wish it was! It’s actually harder to believe E L James wrote this in all seriousness. Hahahaha oh goodness- I remember seeing that somewhere too- it’s so appallingly bad it’s actually funny. I’d like it if it all turned out to be a social experiment- you know, E L James was doing a doctorate on social conditioning or something and the title for her dissertation was “people will read anything if it’s got sex in the title”. She’d get a first for sure.

          Liked by 1 person

          • mudandstars says:

            It is actually pretty funny, have you seen any of the ‘dramatic readings’ of it on Youtube? They are rather amusing! Hahah wouldn’t it be amazing if she came out and announced that? I would actually almost respect that, because it would be ridiculously clever to pull something like that off! I think either way, regardless of the abysmal writing, she is a very smart business-woman who knows how to get lots of money out of her audience!!

            Liked by 1 person

            • theorangutanlibrarian says:

              Oh no, I haven’t- I’d better check that out, it sounds great! Oh I would respect her so much too. I’d say I’d respect her more- but at this stage I can’t say I respect her at all I’m afraid- I love art too much to see it degraded by business 😥 I think if I had all the money in the world, I’d pay to have that dumb book obliterated from existence- which isn’t the best business plan ever- and is probably why I’ll never be rich! :p

              Liked by 1 person

  7. Codie says:

    I have to comment on that Banana peel first because it’s hilarious! Finally a review of this book that doesn’t make me question the sanity of the reviewer. I haven’t read this book but I’ve read some of the quotes and it was just downright creepy and rape isn’t sexy or cute, so yeah, I’ll pass. Another great review.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Captain's Quarters says:

    Another great review. My very conservative office read the series at the time. So I read the first two. Ugh. They were amazed by the whole thing and kinda scandalized. I told them it was horrible and stalkery. Very big difference of opinion. I read the synopsis of book 3 and actually laughed out loud at the absurdity. Skipped that one.
    x The Captain

    Liked by 1 person

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      haha thanks so much! So glad you liked it! I’m impressed that you made it through book 2 after the first one- I totally gave up after book 1- especially after reading the synopses- it’s so standard “well this guy is terrible, but I can change him”- no just no! And yes it is so freakishly stalkery! Uhh! x

      Liked by 1 person

  9. rantandraveaboutbooks says:

    Ha! This is an awesome rant!. I LOL’d my way through this one! I rated this book one star on Goodreads and that’s only because I thought I should choose something. LOL I love the idea to throw a banana peel at E.L. James’ head. YES! I still wonder how this book was published by a big publishing company and how she made it from fan fiction on the internet to a millionaire. The whole idea just astounds me. I honestly read the series, thinking that it had to be some kind of sex parody. I couldn’t take a single thing serious. Who laughs through sex scenes? 🙂 I agree with the rapey part. Christian would’ve creeped me out. I don’t care how hot or rich he is there’s no way I’d be following him into his Dexter red room of pain. Nope! Great rant! I really enjoyed reading this. I’m not announcing the winners of my Rant Contest until Wednesday or Thursday, but I wanted to let you know that you’re definitely one of the winners. 🙂

    Like

  10. Marie Abanga says:

    I have never read any of your reviews, but today I decided to start. Ok, this 50 shades of Grey book has been sort of a fantasy in my literary head because I found the title suspiciously alluring. I say suspiciously because I wasn’t so sure I’ll not be disappointed if I got the book, and so I kept pushing it for later. Thanks for your candid review and several comments in here, I’ll save my hard earned cfa francs. Period

    Liked by 1 person

  11. vinnieh says:

    I’ve only heard of the book and the big fuss it caused. But I’ve got friends who read it and said it was nowhere near erotic in the slightest. I enjoyed reading your rant on it. Surely there is better erotica out there.

    Like

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