5 Reasons Why Vampires Suck

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good vampire story. I mean who doesn’t love a bit of Dracula. I have always loved Buffy and, while, I’ve only read Interview with a Vampire, I’m convinced the rest of the series will be great. And let’s not forget the father of all vampire stories: the magnificent Count Dracula in all his forms (yes, I’m including Young Dracula). But sometimes there are stories that are about vampires that are a complete mi-stake to get involved in, because frankly, they suck. And here’s why:

dreadful lore

vampire academyThe worst culprit here is Vampire Academy– because the idea of a vampire/guardian partnership is a good one, but it was executed so badly that it was a complete pain in the neck! Obviously, I could have picked the dumb sparkly vampires for this too, because… what?!? Why was that ever a thing? But this was on my mind after having just done a review of it.

romance

vampire diariesHow many times have I screamed at a hero/heroine to run the other way when their psycho love interest tells them they’re a vampire. This seems to almost exclusively happen in vampire books and I am done being sanguine about it. And of course, vampire stories, nearly always have the dreaded love triangle. Again, the worst culprit for this isn’t even Twilight– it’s The Vampire Diaries. I mean the world could be ending and the most important question is always which brother will she choose? And after 6 seasons, it’s exhausting! And speaking of the world ending…

stakes

twilightI could easily resurrect my choice of the Vampire Diaries for this one, because I hated how silly things got as the series progressed. By series 4 or 5, I forget which one, the characters stopped being the selfless, self-sacrificing heroes we all knew and loved, and started hunting for a cure for vampirism- never mind the fact that it could very well bring the end of the world! I mean what was that? But never could there be anything dumber than whatever the hell they were fighting for in Twilight– let’s face it, the whole Volturi thing never made much sense. I could never get my head round it. I mean, this is going back to the lore again, but it’s not like they’re all that scary. And it’s not like they actually do anything, because, like all terrible vampire stories…

bloodbath

twilight movieBecause let’s face it, no one ever dies in a dumb vampire book. It’s so anti-climactic. Twilight couldn’t even entertain the idea of having a fight scene before the inevitably foregone conclusion of the happy ending- I mean, it’s not like anyone was expecting anything other than Bella and Edward riding off into the sunset on Jacob’s back- but couldn’t they have killed off Esme? Or even Alice? I guess it could be worse- they could have all died and come back to life a million times like they did in Vampire Diaries. Oh no wait, that basically happens in the last film. My bad.

death wish

a discovery of witchesThis is very similar to the characters running into the arms of people who freely admit to murdering in cold blood (to each his own I guess). But it’s not just the fact that they fall in love with vampires- they’re just obsessed with death for some reason. One of the dumbest examples of this is in A Discovery of Witches where she literally runs off with, and risks her life for, a guy she has literally just met. It’s bloody ridiculous how casual they are about death, but then I guess that makes sense. It’s not like they have anything to fear.

Hope you enjoyed that.

And sorry for all the punning- I’ll never be able to look myself in the mirror again… Oh no! I did it again- bite me :p

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32 thoughts on “5 Reasons Why Vampires Suck

  1. jessreadingnook says:

    The only series here that I have actually read is Twilight (and I only really made it through book one, but at least I tried), but I’ve heard of the others and haven’t picked them up/watched them because I was pretty sure they’d be awful. I am, however, obsessed with True Blood (the show, not the books), and I know it’s awful but I couldn’t stop watching it…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. thesarahdoughty says:

    I totally get each point you made. I’ve been frustrated with the whole vampire tales, especially YA for some time now. Though none of the (good) characters die in my first book, they aren’t invincible, and in the second book, a few are killed. The whole concept of vampires, especially when they admit they’re bad and the girl just doesn’t care, is so annoying. I suggest reading Jeaniene Frost’s Night Huntress series. This takes the vampire tale a little differently, and a woman who thinks they’re all evil, learns about one of them, and truly figures out who he is before she trusts him. That was sort of the basis for how I approached the vampires in my books. Trust is built over time, but they aren’t all going to be honest and true like they want you to believe. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Natalie says:

    So much agreement. I’ve read Twilight although I’m loath to admit it. I was gifted the set and read it out of politeness. There was so much wrong with that series you could write books about it. ;-/ Have you ever read any of the books based on the White Wolf RPG game Vampire the Masquerade? It’s been awhile but those I enjoyed.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. SSJTimeLord says:

    Great post! And I adored the puns! I tend to stay away from vampire stories because of these tropes, thus I haven’t read any of the books discussed in this post. I am a HUGE Buffy fan though! Are there any books (standalone or series other than the ones mentioned at the beginning of the post) that, in your opinion, explore vampirism well?

    Liked by 1 person

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      Thanks! Yes me too- Buffy is the best! I’m trying to rack my brains for one and can only think of Dracula I’m afraid- although that comes across as strangely cliche, cos everything in it has become part of the whole dracula legend

      Like

  5. Lisa says:

    Great post! 🙂 I have to admit that it took until this season for me to finally walk away from The Vampire Diaries — and part of it was the lack of stakes (ha!). They seem to all come back to life one way or another anyway, so what’s the point? Somewhere along the way, vampires have become these super sexy beings rather than bloodsucking fiends, and especially in YA, it gets icky. (BTW, Christopher Moore’s vampire series, starting with Bloodsucking Fiends, is hilarious and amazing.) I have to disagree when it comes to A Discovery of Witches, which in my mind is so far removed from the likes of Twilight etc, but I guess it all comes down to taste!

    Liked by 1 person

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      Oh gosh, I wasn’t much better- I stopped watched halfway through last season :/ hahaa great punning! I approve! yeah exactly- it’s bizarre- especially in things like Vampire Diaries when it’s pretty much like “oh did you just murder my friend? Nevermind, let’s make out”
      Ooh sounds great- I love good vamp series 🙂
      Yeah I know, my friend recommended it and usually we agree on everything, so I was surprised I didn’t like it, but for some reason it just irked me 😦

      Like

  6. alilovesbooks says:

    I totally gave up on vampire diaries as the whole thing became silly but I did really like the books the show’s based on (at least until they were ghost written).

    It does kind of feel like the whole vampire things been done and it’s so wrong that the non vampires seem to be attracted to what’s really a mass murderer (even if they’re reformed)

    Liked by 1 person

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      I wish I’d given up on it sooner! It was terrible! I didn’t bother with the books though, cos I’d tried other books by the author and never got more than a chapter in before being too bored to continue.
      Yeah exactly- it never ceases to amaze me that the girls in these stories find these (essentially) monsters appealing :/

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Creatyvebooks says:

    I’m convinced that you are my spirt person. You totally get me. I your post was spot on with everything you said. I’m still waiting for a decent vampire book. Let’s face it, once authors started to romanticize vampires that’s when everything went down hill. That and making them sparkle in the sunlight.

    It’s like authors forget that Vampires are dark, evil, cold-hearted beings that don’t give a fuck about falling in love. All they care about is blood and power for the most part. And if you’re going to romanticize vampirism at least make it somewhat believable.

    I can’t have the naïve 18 year old falling in love with the 500 year old perv in the first five pages of the book. Like…..NOOOO. Plus what about the female vampires. Like it’s always male vampire obsessing with the young human female love interest. UGH!

    Anyway great post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      Haha thanks!! Yeah exactly!! Whatever possessed someone to go “oh I know what all romances are missing- sparkly vampires” I mean- what??!?!?!?
      Yeah exactly- it doesn’t make sense to have vampires be charming and romantic- anyway what’s charming and romantic about a mass murderer that drinks blood???
      Exactly!! It’s not less creepy just cos they look young!!
      Thanks very much! 🙂

      Like

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