Don’t get me wrong, I love a good vampire story. I mean who doesn’t love a bit of Dracula. I have always loved Buffy and, while, I’ve only read Interview with a Vampire, I’m convinced the rest of the series will be great. And let’s not forget the father of all vampire stories: the magnificent Count Dracula in all his forms (yes, I’m including Young Dracula). But sometimes there are stories that are about vampires that are a complete mi-stake to get involved in, because frankly, they suck. And here’s why:
The worst culprit here is Vampire Academy– because the idea of a vampire/guardian partnership is a good one, but it was executed so badly that it was a complete pain in the neck! Obviously, I could have picked the dumb sparkly vampires for this too, because… what?!? Why was that ever a thing? But this was on my mind after having just done a review of it.
How many times have I screamed at a hero/heroine to run the other way when their psycho love interest tells them they’re a vampire. This seems to almost exclusively happen in vampire books and I am done being sanguine about it. And of course, vampire stories, nearly always have the dreaded love triangle. Again, the worst culprit for this isn’t even Twilight– it’s The Vampire Diaries. I mean the world could be ending and the most important question is always which brother will she choose? And after 6 seasons, it’s exhausting! And speaking of the world ending…
I could easily resurrect my choice of the Vampire Diaries for this one, because I hated how silly things got as the series progressed. By series 4 or 5, I forget which one, the characters stopped being the selfless, self-sacrificing heroes we all knew and loved, and started hunting for a cure for vampirism- never mind the fact that it could very well bring the end of the world! I mean what was that? But never could there be anything dumber than whatever the hell they were fighting for in Twilight– let’s face it, the whole Volturi thing never made much sense. I could never get my head round it. I mean, this is going back to the lore again, but it’s not like they’re all that scary. And it’s not like they actually do anything, because, like all terrible vampire stories…
Because let’s face it, no one ever dies in a dumb vampire book. It’s so anti-climactic. Twilight couldn’t even entertain the idea of having a fight scene before the inevitably foregone conclusion of the happy ending- I mean, it’s not like anyone was expecting anything other than Bella and Edward riding off into the sunset on Jacob’s back- but couldn’t they have killed off Esme? Or even Alice? I guess it could be worse- they could have all died and come back to life a million times like they did in Vampire Diaries. Oh no wait, that basically happens in the last film. My bad.
This is very similar to the characters running into the arms of people who freely admit to murdering in cold blood (to each his own I guess). But it’s not just the fact that they fall in love with vampires- they’re just obsessed with death for some reason. One of the dumbest examples of this is in A Discovery of Witches where she literally runs off with, and risks her life for, a guy she has literally just met. It’s bloody ridiculous how casual they are about death, but then I guess that makes sense. It’s not like they have anything to fear.
Hope you enjoyed that.
And sorry for all the punning- I’ll never be able to look myself in the mirror again… Oh no! I did it again- bite me :p