Snarking on my Childhood Writing

Okay, so I’ve been talking a lot about writing recently, but I know what you’re all thinking (or all should be thinking 😉 ) What qualifies this monkey-brained buffoon to talk about writing? Well- fear not- I have the answer! Because I was just the ripe old age of eight when I wrote my first novel- and today I’m going to share that with you… It’s called THE TRAPDOOR…

the trapdoor cover

I know looks awesome. You are in for a right treat (*ahem*) giggle. (Honest disclaimer: I found this, I thought it was a riot and decided to share it with you- plus I included my modern day snark, so what’s not to like?)

trapdoor part 1.png

Ooh he’s an orphan- very original.

trapdoor part 2.png

I feel like this is very pertinent information 😉 More importantly though, I don’t think I had much fashion sense as a child cos I think this was meant to sound tramp chic.

trapdoor part 3.png

I feel like this is straight up plagiarising Aladdin.

trapdoor part 4.png

Hehe okay, definitely Aladdin plagiarism.

trapdoor part 5.png

I actually like this bit- I might steal this from myself later…

trapdoor part 6.png

My architectural sense was as advanced as my idea of what people wore, apparently.

trapdoor part 7

Ooh drama. But is the magically warming handle thing going anywhere… Spoiler alert: I’ve read the whole thing now, no it isn’t.

trapdoor part 8.png

I almost missed this- but was he just wandering round a castle an ENTIRE DAY? Did he even take a moment to sit down? Also, did he have anything to eat other than that apple? So many questions…

trapdoor part 9.png

Suddenly isn’t so sudden when you’ve been walking round a building for a day. Just sayin’.

trapdoor part 10.png

AHAHAHA THIS WRITING!! I HAVE NO WORDS

trapdoor part 11.png

Ye wot?! Plot twist!! This is so random.

trapdoor part 12.png

Hahahaha oh dear- I thought the last plot twist was good. Ah well at least I gave the spider decent motivation- no one likes know-it-alls.

trapdoor part 13.png

I love the childlike way of being dramatic- “anger he’d never felt before”- brilliant.

trapdoor part 14.png

Well they sound like bastards, frankly.

trapdoor part 15.png

I feel like the “said in disbelief” was in no way superfluous after he said “I don’t believe you” 😉

trapdoor part 16

I just love how James lists reasons. He’s being quite calm, considering he’s facing off with a giant talking spider.

trapdoor part 17.png

Well this is a lot of information the hero needs all in one place…

trapdoor part 18.png

I love how I used the “villain tells the hero all his secret plans” trope, but I was self-aware enough to realise this was a dumb thing for the baddie to do. I also like how I had the decency to point that out- even if pointing out you’re making a dumb writing cliché doesn’t make the dumb writing cliché any less dumb. Someone should have told my eight-year-old-self that- points for effort though 😉

trapdoor part 19.png

Also, that teensiest bit of self-awareness clearly didn’t stop me doing more of it though.

trapdoor part 20.png

Aww well, nothing says a happy ending like decapitating a spider. I’m so glad that all worked out.

I’m also happy to say that I didn’t stop at the writing- no, I illustrated it too! Look at these masterpieces…

Well I hope you all got a good laugh out of that! I guess the lesson here is… everyone needs to start somewhere. Even if that start is tropey and silly and frankly hilariously bad. Happy writing!

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69 thoughts on “Snarking on my Childhood Writing

  1. Lucy Brazier says:

    Wonderful! How lucky James found that knife on the floor or who knows what could have happened. I especially love the illustrations. My mum recently found a book of my schoolgirl poetry. It is horrendous. But your post has inspired me to share it with the world. It isn’t as exciting as James and the trapdoor, however.

    Liked by 1 person

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      hahahaaha thanks 😂😂😂
      hehehe well if it helps I remember writing Buffy fanfiction once- which my mum put a stop to- not because she objected to me writing fanfic, but because “what will your teachers think about me letting you watch that?” (I was a bit young for it lol 😉 )

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The Cozy Pages says:

    I did notice your handwriting too. Quite neat for an 8 year old. Now stop teasing. That was a lovely, imaginative story, even with the Aladdin plagiarism 😀
    Always nice to see how far we’ve come. I can’t get through much of my childhood stories; bit hard to see when I’ve got my eyes covered 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Nel says:

    Ahahahahaha this is beyond fantastic. Aladdin goes dark. Aladdin vs. arachnids? You should totally revive this story!
    Thanks for the share. Makes me want to go search and see if I wrote up or drew up something in my younger past self. Where did you even find this anyway??

    Liked by 1 person

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      hehehehe that’s a great description for this 😂😂😂 hahaha oh yes, definitely had potential 😉 hehe thanks for reading! Oh I would definitely check that out. It just turned up when we were doing a massive clearout- my family just keep presenting me with things they want me to throw away and I saved this from the heap cos it was too funny 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Love, Soph says:

    This gave me the giggle I needed on such a dull Monday!! We had really similar hand writing; mine looked almost the same as a youngster!! I like to look back on my primary school, self penned novels and cringe oh so slightly at my lack of punctuation and hugely boring plots! Lovely post x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lashaan (Bookidote) says:

    Eight years old when you wrote this masterpiece?!?! You don’t give yourself enough credit! Too much hate perspiring from old-monkey!!!! 😛 I don’t even think I could write such a decent story at 8!! Also love that there’s a spider that dies in. ALL SPIDERS MUST DIE!!!! Thank you for sharing. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  6. alilovesbooks says:

    Hahaha. This is brilliant. I’m kind of surprised though. Why has this not been published? It’s clearly genius and would give Harry Potter a run for his money. Actually, thinking about it, JK did the whole giant talking spider thing. She obvs copied you.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. By Hook Or By Book ~ Book Reviews, News, & Other Stuff says:

    “Nothing says happy ending like decapitating a spider!” 😁😂🤣 I could actually use James at my house right now. As the weather has been getting colder I’ve had a few unpleasant run-ins with them myself.😱

    Seriously though, this was so sweet and absolutely adorable! I think for an eight-year-old you displayed some lovely imagination. And I agree with Daley. Your handwriting was beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.🤗

    Liked by 2 people

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      hahahaha 😂 🤣 🤣 I know right- although usually a book or a hand stops spider- no need for decapitation 😉 hahaha I can relate 😉

      Thank you so much!! 😉 I was a bit of a nutty child, I’m glad I put it to some good use 😂😂 hehe it’s just such a shame, my handwriting isn’t as good anymore 😉 . Thank you for reading! 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Arachnid Weaver says:

    Your handwriting is really good for an eight-year-old.
    The story is also a lot better than I could’ve done at eight. I had this one story about a “golden Easter egg hunt” that I wrote and illustrated. I have it somewhere. Anyway, so it was this school of vampires and they were having an Easter egg hunt and the winner got a scholarship or something. Money, I believe. The twist was that one of the characters was a werewolf. Shocking.
    I cringe when I read it now, as I probably will in five years time when I read the stuff I write now.
    The funny part is that I wrote this Easter-themed story for Christmas.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. snowlyramble says:

    This is the best story ever 🙂 I love all your comments too, this post is so much fun and made me smile! And hey- just think of it as an Aladdin retelling, right?
    I remember doing one in school too- I think mine was called ‘The Hand’. My favourite story to right though was basically my own version of The Magic Key adventure books- although plot twist: mine NEVER ENDS. A nightmare to all except me, apparently.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Marie says:

    Oh this is SO BRILLIANT ahah, I love it so much – your handwriting is so cute and your story is quite great… now I want to see what you’re writing now that you’re older ahah… and get a peek at your handwriting as well ahah 🙂 I loved reading this. Thank you for sharing! ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Angie Sim says:

    “I killed your parents”- I straight-up gasped.

    Definitely keeps readers on their toes! Thank you for sharing this lovely story 🙂

    I wish I kept my old writing from when I was younger. Reading this made me realize how much light it can shed! I died of laughter at the ‘Aladdin plagiarism’ part.

    (I must add, your handwriting at this age was impeccable! I couldn’t help but notice this- my mouth was agape reading the story. What nice lettering.)

    I’m so happy I found this blog. Looking forward to reading more from you.

    Like

  12. Nicola @ Thoughts on Fantasy says:

    This is wonderful!! Really made me laugh, it’s super cute. I love the Aladdin plagiarism!! (I would have totally plagiarised Aladdin too, it was my fav). The “I don’t believe you, said James in disbelief” line is pretty great too. And you really do have to give your childhood self points for recognising the silliness of the “baddie explains everything” cliché and drawing attention to it – that’s very meta! 😉 Makes me want to look in some old drawers to see what my writing was like (I’m fairly sure I set a story in the Black Forest cos the name sounded cool… now I actually live near the Black Forest I’d love to see how inaccurately I described it).

    Liked by 1 person

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      hehehehe I’m so glad!! I know right- I get why I did it, Aladdin’s amazing!! hahaha I know it was hilarious 😂😂 hehehehe yes, I just wish I hadn’t then used it again 😂 😉 Ooh I’d love to see that!! And that’s hilarious (and also awesome that you live near the Black Forest now)

      Liked by 1 person

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      hehehe I know right!! 😉 😂 hehehe yes, reading that back, I think his parents were pretty cruel, but to quote the spider “all I did was set off a bomb, kill, rob and kill!” (again, great job on the dialogue there 😉 )

      hahaha well that speaks volumes about some books 😂😂

      Like

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