Worst Fantasy Novel Plan- EVER!

*Lovingly made for all fantasy fans*

Ever wonder how cliche fantasy books get written? Well wonder know more, because this is the ultimate guide for writing the WORST fantasy novel imaginable! Enjoy!

pathetic fallacy sad-face-doctorBefore we get started we need a prologue about *mysterious forces* at work. It must be overladen with plenty of pathetic fallacy- make sure that wind roars and rain falls- you set that tone! Please note that this can’t have any actual bearing on the plot, because that would be daft. Instead, let’s flashback 10000 years, before the dawn of mankind, to where a magical talking rook-creature-thing lived. There- that seems sufficiently random and obscure. Now we can forget all about that and get to the actual plot…

*****

Welcome to the village of Farplace where nothing ever happens and say hello to this random farmhand Nut M Portant (Nut for short). He doesn’t have many hobbies, except horse riding, being the only person around who practices sword fighting with a staff, and visiting the old guy with the long white beard who lives on the edge of the village (watch out- he’s gonna be important). Also he spends a lot of time complaining how bored he is.

bored

wargBut then!- lo and behold- something dark and evil and wolflike (but with a human voice for convenience sake) comes to the village late at night and kills the Nut’s father, who, with his dying breath tells him to go to the old guy for help. It turns out that old guy is an important wizard known as The Last Wizard Standing (didn’t see that plot twist coming, did you?).

Yet Last Wizard is not feeling particularly helpful right now. He sends Nut on his way *immediately* without giving him any information or guidance, just an old sword.

Also at the same time an elven woman with an unpronounceable name (something like llwellgenlle). She’s from an order of Only Women-No Men Allowed (seriously keep out!) comes to the village seeking the slayer of the wolfthing (shall we just call Swargs- from the old tongue title meaning It’s A Warg- and be done with it?) She’s totally not allowed relations with ANY MAN- which means she’s perfect for a prospective love interest.

sword fightingNut runs into said love interest just as he’s coming out of Last Wizard’s hut. He is instantly struck by her beauty. Conveniently- for the sake of the plot- a Swarg pounces just as they cross paths- but Nut really easily smites the beast! (very important to note here Nut’s amazement as he’s never handled anything more than a practice sword before). The female falls into his arms in a swoon.

swoon.gif

“Hail fair maiden, I thee help!” he says to her (note: always mess up the syntax for conversations- we don’t want the dialogue to be too comprehensible).

She responds in her native tongue (he understands- naturally- even though till now he’s only spoken “common”- keep up!) (any and all translations must be done by the reader using the helpfully provided dictionary in the glossary)

“Ah fair maiden!” Nut goes on in common, for the reader’s sake. “Never fear- I have thee saved, thou wilst now be my love interest and have no need to speak at all, except for the occasional incomprehensible word, you are most welcome.”

Last Wizard comes out of his house and applauds. “That was all a test- congratulations!- you’re not dead- that means you passed!”

Yay! That’s a relief, isn’t it? As we let that sink in, Last Wizard explains that he has some very important information (though he’s shaky on the details cos *reasons*) pertaining to a quest because of a prophecy that he can’t remember the exact details of…

prophecy.gif

“Prophecy? What prophecy?” Nut asks, emboldened by Last Wizard Standing’s words.

“Prophecy- oh er- mumble bumble… Yes it’s important… but I think the soup’s burning…”

Okay so that’s enough explanation. I think it’s a good time for the Priestess/Elf/Love Interest to announce she was looking for him too- so she’s joining the quest as well. And it’s probably a good time to infodump about why she thinks it’s important to save the world- something about the trees talking and the origins of Village Farplace came and some crucially-non-crucial stuff about magical creatures… (be sure to include as much of your world-building notes as possible here- you never know how many opportunities you’ll get and you must make the most of every. single. one.)

so damn bored

wizardAlrighty then, time for the quest! Make sure to bring this forgetful wizard along for the ride, but make sure he forgets anything expedient when asked and only use his powers when you’ve written yourself into a particularly tight scrape you can’t get out of with logic (it happens). You now have the perfect plot-foil. You’re welcome 😉

Where are we going? Who knows! How long will it take to get there? Doesn’t matter! Just make sure to include these landmarks on the journey:

  • A secret cache of weapons in a not-at-all well-hidden tomb (make sure to describe weaponry and helms in excruciating detail)
  • A very beautiful, peaceful place they can rest (but not live in permanently) that’s home to the elves- preferable to visit after a run-in with some more swargs and norcs (not orcs- keep up!)

rivendell

  • An inn where they drink yummy yummy mead (actually I have had this at a fair once and can confirm it’s pretty darn good, so I get why people in fantasy drink it now, but I digress…)
  • blanked out writingA place where “natives” live- description is blanked out for offensiveness (no I didn’t actually write this bit, what do you take me for?) Here they learn important *lessons* they never thought they would from *insert ambiguous term* people.
  • You can also pad out this section with creatures like: A dragon with a hoard, some friendly dwarves, sex goddesses, a thieves guild, a rebellion, goblins, riddlers, ents, basically anything from Tolkien you’ve not managed to rip off yet.

smaug 4

Please insert intermittent exposition because, as the author, I’ve done all this work on the world building and you need to hear all of it damn it!

mordorFinally they arrive in scary, scary Ochaye- which is supposed to be the villains’ lair, but this early into the story you’ll only get a projection of him. We have the opportunity to drop lots of very mysterious truth bombs like “I killed your parents… something… lost prince… something something… chosen one.”

That sort of thing- make sure it whets the appetite, but doesn’t actually reveal anything too expedient this early in the story. Oh- did I mention- this is obviously going to be the start of a series (of an indeterminate number of books). But don’t worry- you won’t get a sequel for years cos this is a fantasy… Annnd I’m leaving it there.  The projection of the baddie disappears in a cloud of smoke. I’m sure I’ll continue this one day, but in typical fantasy fashion I’m gonna go focus on writing something else now. (Maybe an anthology of all the backstory I couldn’t squeeze in…)

Voila- you now have a terrible fantasy novel! Leave it for three years, let your readers stew, and come back when they’ve lost interest. 

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103 thoughts on “Worst Fantasy Novel Plan- EVER!

  1. raistlin0903 says:

    Lol this was so incredibly funny! They should turn this into a reality tv series. I think it would turn the ratings completely upside down. Nut’s of Thrones could be the title for this one. Seriously you should market this. Great and highly enjoyable post! 😊

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Bookstooge says:

    Sex goddesses, eh? Hmmm, lead off with that in your kickstarter and you should be funded in no time!

    And spend lots of money on a cover that looks cool but has no bearing on the actual story.

    You’ll make MILLIONS! 😀

    Liked by 4 people

  3. lucindablogs says:

    ABSOLUTELY. LOVE. IT!!!!! This post is just hilarious!

    You should also chuck in:

    A necklace, referred to as “the amulet”. Has to glow and be a source of/drain of strength.

    A river, with a nice village called river-something. A cousin will live there. Handy for escaping baddies (evil things can’t swim). Also good for traversing large distances quickly, as there will always be a cargo ship due to depart “on the morrow”. The captain is to be found in the local tavern – you get a space in his boat by beating him at cards/drinking games/riddles (bar brawl optional)

    Horses. Always horses. Must be quicker than any horse ever, capable of carrying huge loads, good in battle. Star emblazoned on their nose optional. Mystical name like Shadow, Midnight etc. MUST NOT BE ANY COLOUR OTHER THAN BLACK.

    Honey cakes.

    Vaguely pagan festivals that provide crowds for the main character to be chased through.

    Women with plaited hair. Must be beautiful.

    Some kind of cure-all balm that ONLY THE WOMEN can make from the bark of a tree.

    You must also make the story go on for so long that you’re only able to publish the first 23 volumes before you die, leaving the rest to be written by your kids (including prequels).

    Liked by 4 people

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      hahaha omg yes!! 🤣🤣🤣

      Amulets are a *must*!!

      And it wouldn’t be a fantasy book without “River Town” (I hope you don’t mind me naming it for you 😉 )

      hahahaha how about Shadow Midnight (Midnight Shadow is perhaps to literal, and also sounds like morning shadow 😉 😂😂) And yes, they are *special* horses 😉

      Also, honey cakes, like mead, are actually quite delicious- so there will be *lots and lots* of that! 😉

      hahahaha yes- conveniently 😉

      And plaited hair is perfectly fantasy 😉 as is healing balm 😉

      hahahahhaha well that’s a great idea 😂😂 I will make sure to leave extensive notes in my will, but of course, not bother writing the thing 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      • lucindablogs says:

        “River Town” is perfect. Cousin Niel can live there (using the standard naming formula of normal name (Nigel) minus one letter to make normal-sounding-but-stupidly-spelt name).

        Shadow Midnight is a great name for the horse! I think it can be improved with a worse spelling though – Shaderow Midennight? You know you need to keep that spellcheck on its toes. Plus, you really need the reader to stumble over all the names. It’s the only way they’ll pay attention. Then when the film comes out you can pronounce it completely differently.

        Oh yes, honey cakes and mead ALL THE TIME. Only to be sold in the street though. Must be piled high on feast days (lots of those too – good opportunity to poison someone).

        Oh yes, you must make sure that instead of having an actual conclusion, the series grinds on forever, bearing absolutely no resemblance to the original premise. It doesn’t matter if your kids have no inclination/talent regarding writing, it’s like a hereditary title – now YOU are the author of the Games with Lords of Time books. Or you can just sell the franchise to Sky and get their script writers to finish it for you 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • theorangutanlibrarian says:

          Hahaha of course, that makes complete logical sense (although there actually really people who spell Tom “Thom”, so this isn’t just a problem in fantasy land 😉 )

          Hahaha absolutely- how silly of me to spell it normally! I forgot the rules of fantasy- whoops!! Of course! I don’t want the readers to ever be too comfortable with what they’re reading 😉 And I want there to be a different pronunciation in the film for two reasons 1) it’ll mess with people and 2) because people need the opportunity to say “well in the book…”

          Hahaha yes!! LOL! Because honey cakes, of course, disguise poison with their honeyed goodness. I’m beginning to wonder if people that write these have ever tasted mead and honey cakes- because those are the two worst things to try and disguise poison in (haha this is beginning to sound like I have some experience in poisoning- I just meant surely something bitter tasting would be better 😉 )

          Of course! I also want to make them really insecure, so that people will constantly be saying “they’re nothing like the original orangutan” 😉 (this might sound extreme, but it’s not as bad as the parental abuse the characters in my books will have to deal with- so it’ll give my future offspring inspiration 😉 ) Hahahaha oh poor Georgey- why couldn’t he just finish the darn books 😉

          Liked by 1 person

          • lucindablogs says:

            Oh I hate that. I can’t see “Thom” without saying “Thomb” in my head. I also have a friend called Craige who in my head has a name that rhymes with beige. WHY??

            Oh yes! You’ll also need to make sure there’s plenty of smaller parts that the studio can ruthlessly cut (bonus points if they’re women). “Where was Tom Bombadil?!?” etc etc.

            Ok, I’m worried now. You seem to know way too much about poison! “He deftly dropped the lethal dose of Feversleep into the pickled cabbage” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, does it?!

            Haha! Don’t worry, if it all goes wrong they can cash in and write a confessional memoir about the poison chalice of trying to continue the series they have no interest in. I know, but seriously George, just get on with it, yeah? 😉

            Oh, and that reminds me, you must put “R.R.” in the middle of your name. “By Orang R. R. Utan ” actually sounds quite good!

            Liked by 1 person

  4. Joelendil says:

    Hahaha! Excellent post! The only thing Nut is missing is a trek through some sort of undergroun underground passage/mine/city that was once glorious but is now the home of something dark and dreadful…a perfect place for forgetful wizard to do something dramatic.

    Liked by 2 people

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      hahaha thanks so much!! Now that’s a brilliant idea- I think before writing any of these, I think people should reread/rewatch Lord of the Rings- because I didn’t do that and completely forgot about that trope- big mistake on my part 😂😂

      Like

  5. Valerie says:

    Hahaha this was hilarious! Was this based off of something that you read pretty recently? 😀

    Nut sounds like a “great” fantasy character. Also I can’t help it but his name is just too funny.

    Like

  6. dragonsandzombies says:

    Oh god, I can’t 😀 😀 Thanks for that 😀 I really had to laugh!!

    But hey, just a couple of things:

    1. Can we change llwellgenlle to ll’well’genlle – just because! Apostrophes are life!

    2. Do we let the old wise wizard mentor sacrifice himself in part 2? Or in the end of part 1 & let him come back in the end of part 2?

    3. You gotta introduce the ‘rival’ in book 2 who hates the chosen one but kinda turns and helps him toward the end.

    4. We also need a montage! Maybe in the middle when Chosen One learns to do magic and/or sword-fighting 😀

    Like

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