HOW (not) TO READ REVIEWS

Iโ€™ve been doing this nearly four years and Iโ€™ve received a lot of advice in that time- some of which has even been good ๐Ÿ˜‰ Nonetheless, thanks to all the bad advice, I now think I also have a good idea of how not to approach a book blogger. So, Iโ€™ve compiled a โ€œusefulโ€ list, for all those not in the know, of all the best ways to make a reviewer irate.

NB *please note, this is all in good fun, take this satirical piece seriously at your own peril* ๐Ÿ˜‰

im-right-youre-wrongCorrect the reviewer on their opinions because their opinion is wrong and yours is right and soon theyโ€™ll understand that. Donโ€™t be constructive and give reasons for your disapproval- itโ€™s preferable if you use ad hominems like โ€œyouโ€™re thick as pig shitโ€ or more pretentious terms if you can manage it. Remember you can use a thesaurus on the internet and it doesnโ€™t matter if your insults make sense- just try to find the longest word possible (like floccinaucinihilipilification or supercalifragilisticexpialidociousโ€ฆ although that second oneโ€™s more of a compliment ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

pretending to readWhen you critique a review, donโ€™t bother to actually read the review– remember your opinion is valuable and the reviewer is bound to listen to you, even if your suggestion makes no sense in the context eg โ€œin the future you could write what genre it isโ€ in a review that states as much in the first line- this will leave the baffled reviewer reading and rereading their work, trying to figure out what the hell you meant- which is what you want!

angry inside outAsk the reviewer why people are reading their review– make sure you say this in an as aggressive tone as possible- preferably in ALL CAPS example: I DONโ€™T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE READ THIS TRASH!

 

I'm offendedGet insulted on behalf of the author for negative reviews– particularly if the author is a millionaire. Remember to take any criticism levied extremely personally- cos your heroโ€™s honour is at stake and you must defend it! If they knew you existed, said author would probably thank you (or, you know, not).

angry catCritique the bloggerโ€™s layout– cos why not- if itโ€™s offensive to your eye then it must be bad and if you donโ€™t like the images they used, they have to know about it dammit.

 

 

 

you need to shut up.gifAnd my favourite: if you donโ€™t like what a blogger has to say- harass them on twitter. This will not only show the world that youโ€™re a *good person* but is a great way to change someoneโ€™s mind (also mind you donโ€™t listen to any counter arguments they offer because you are a GOOD PERSON and they are a BAD PERSON). I have to add that this is an incredibly convincing tactic, cos Iโ€™m sure โ€œYOUโ€™RE WRONG, I KNOW YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCE BETTER THAN YOU DO!โ€ has convinced many people in history (particularly when coming from strangers).

Annnd *ouch*, I think Iโ€™m feeling the sting of my own sarcasm after that. What do you think of this list? Have you any other โ€œhelpfulโ€ criticisms to levy at book bloggers? Donโ€™t be shy! And Happy April Fool’s!ย 

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80 thoughts on “HOW (not) TO READ REVIEWS

  1. Christopher says:

    You completely missed the mark here, as I’m sure I’ll conclude once I read the post itself. I’m not sure why people bother to read this but it reminds me of when the owner of a bookstore picked up John Grisham at the airport. He’s quite famous and successful, you know, and she was driving a Honda Civic so he was perfectly justified in screaming, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” and lecturing her the entire time for not sending a limousine to pick him up. Needless to say I couldn’t make it past the layout of your blog although I do like all the animated gifs and I’ll probably include them in a bunch of negative tweets I send to you.
    Also I hope you know I laughed and don’t mean any of this, although the John Grisham story, sadly, is true.

    Liked by 8 people

  2. bookbeachbunny says:

    I love these! I would add don’t forget to offer unasked for personal advice about their lives like maybe you should read less and get out more or pointing out the things their money could be better spent on than books or telling them what genre of book they should be reading, etc. Etc. Always fun ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Maria H. says:

    Wow I thought this was gonna be about me asking a dumbass question that I already read the answer to in your review… but my brain is a sieve and I have shit memory capabilities.

    Anyways,
    I canโ€™t believe anyone would say any of those things and Iโ€™m just glad it hasnโ€™t happened to me. I would probably cry.

    It was all very amusing to read, though!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Winged Cynic says:

    Oof, I’m presuming you encountered all this nonsense yourself? I rarely see people like this in the blogosophere, but I most definitely have seen large booktubers and bloggers say they do have to deal with such harassment. Can’t imagine… ๐Ÿ˜ณ

    Very fun post! I think humor goes a long way in revealing the dumbassery of human beings. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  5. raistlin0903 says:

    You were being sarcastic? Seriously I had not noticed at all ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Great post, but as Bookstooge said, sadly things like this really happen. Luckily though, I have never seen it happen here on wordpress. This community is simply awesome ๐Ÿ˜Š

    Liked by 1 person

  6. MichaelK says:

    I totally loved this post! Funny and biting as only satire can be!
    Also, if you are an author (especially a self-published one) make fake profiles to do all of the above when someone as much as dares to imply that you are not the next Nobel laureate.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. lucindablogs says:

    HAAAAAAA! This is so true! I’ve also had teenagers telling me that my book review involved “too much of my own opinion and not enough of what the book was about” (suspect they were trying to get away with not reading an assigned text) and someone concerned for my memory because I said their favourite book had lots of plot holes (which it definitely did). Hilarious post, this really made me giggle!

    Liked by 2 people

    • theorangutanlibrarian says:

      LOL!! Oh gosh I thought I was the only one! I do feel like some people just want me to summarise the book or give a goodreads summary- and fair enough… but I’d also like to kindly direct them to goodreads ๐Ÿ˜‰ hehehe well that was very considerate of them ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • lucindablogs says:

        I know right!?! I always skim those bits of a review thinking blurb, blurb… oh, is that it?

        Well, I am ageing rapidly now (I spent yesterday talking to a perfectly nice adult who was born when I was a TEENAGER) so perhaps my memory is failing but I defend my right to say that if I can’t distinguish between characters and they’re acting in completely bizarre ways then that’s just a badly written book.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Sarah says:

    Hahaha! This had me snorting out loud on the tube – imagine people looking annoyed at someone having actually fun. ๐Ÿ˜‰ All superb ways to handle book related blogs and bloggers, very sensitive and rational. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Also love taking advice from people who are actually proud of never reading books but write them themselves!! It’s one of the weirdest things ever, and sadly there are quite a lot of those people.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Gayathri Lakshminarayanan says:

    Hilarious but I am really happy that I have not had any bad incidents from my reviews, touchwood. But I have seen it happening! I hope authors see a light soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Beware Of The Reader says:

    Bwahahahaha Love this! It is just plain crazy how some people would react! Fortunately I’ve been spare so far but I can see this comes from a place of experience! Sorry you had to go thorough this!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Nicola @ Thoughts on Fantasy says:

    Hahaha โ€“ I’ll be sure to keep these tips in mind next time I comment on a review ๐Ÿ˜‰
    I actually don’t understand how people can get so up in arms about someone else’s review. Even when I read one I highly disagree with or think is badly written/annoying, I usually just think ‘meh’ and move on. Shouting “you’re wrong!” doesn’t seem like a constructive way to spend time ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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