The most pretentious post you will ever read…

Well hello everybody! So, two things have been irritating me lately: 1) people calling things pretentious when they’re not actually pretentious (no beautiful writing does not automatically equal pretentious) and 2) pretentious people being pretentious (usually the same people labelling things pretentious when they’re not). Which is why I’ve decided to do the totally “mature” thing and make THE MOST PRETENTIOUS POST IN THE WORLD just to set the record straight/show that anything you can do I can do better (*yes this is satire, thank you for noticing* 😉)

Alrighty then, let’s get into this discombobulation of an articulation of my emancipation from the oppressive forces that is the English language. Yeahhh look at all those “ations” going into my word salad- myself is a veritable genius 😉 Hope yourself likes myself’s use of hypercorrection there. Thusly, myself thought I’d share my hypnotic-transcendent-mind-boggling-patriarchy-smashing-dominative-sociocratic art with you- enjoy/be amazed by…

crease in the wallpaper

Crease in the Wallpaper

A reference, of course, to Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s work, using shades of light and dark to obfuscate the question is anything even real? The fact that you can barely even see it represents how we are blind to the evils that exist in society purely to oppress us.

bleeding radiator

Bleeding Radiator

As the title suggests, this is a powerful piece reflecting on the wounds society invariably and unwittingly inflicts upon us with is shadowy gaze and accidental touch.

popped balloon

Popped Balloon

Like my hopes and dreams after this post- completely deflated.

peeled banana

Banana Peel

I’m a monkey, I just really like bananas. Also *symbolism* which you’ll have to figure out for yourself.

And my favourite:

frayed carpet

Frayed Carpet

I am poor. Send help.

(unfortunately/fortunately we temporarily got rid of the rising damp in the bathroom so you can’t see that in all its glory)

(NB: though I have been forced to use the typical trappings of frames that society superficially demands I use, this is only so that you take me seriously in an increasingly unsympathetic world where artists go underappreciated, NOT because I am a “total wanker” as critics claim.)

(NBB: all the photos are raw and unfiltered… except for the ones where I’ve used filters)

Wowwww what a treat that was for the universe. Now let’s get onto my poetry. Alas- there won’t be a live performance of me accosting-strangers-on-a-street-corner à-la-nouveau slam poetry style, so since you are robbed of that, you’ll have to use your imaginations to witness me shrieking wildly *in your mind’s eye*:

Everything

was

floating

above the

nothings

Of

my

human

membrane

Dying

in

the

infinite forevers And

hopping

around

on a

kangaroo…

THE END! Finito! *Takes bow*

I sincerely hope you did that justice by picturing me just like this:

stressed monkey orangutan0002

One day some lucky sod’s gonna be studying that prestigious work of art for GCSE. And on that beautiful note, I’ll love you and leave you 😉

44 thoughts on “The most pretentious post you will ever read…

  1. I sense you enjoyed writing this!. There is a magazine in the UK called Private Eye which has a Pseud’s Corner feature – readers send in a quote of the most pretentious statement/piece of writing they have seen that week. They make your toes curl…..

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Amazing! Bravo! How daring! Perfecto! I thought your choice of using letters in all of your words totally avant-garde. Not many artists today are bold enough, or talented (!!!!!!) to go that far outside the strict boundaries social culture has set-up these days. Bravo again I say!

    Oh, this was so much fun to read. It was a great way to start my morning. Thanks!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. WOW! So I apologise. I actually read this one the day it was posted BUT any pea-sized brain couldn’t make heads from tails of it! 🤣🤣 (I am too dumb to be true, I guess? ) so I saved it so I could come back to it later. But just now someone explained the theory behind it and NOW I CAN SEE THE AWESOMENESS OF THIS POST CLEARLY AND I ABSOLUTELY LOOVEEE ITT!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣HAHAHAH!! 😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I totally didn’t get this!! I feel really stupid and probably should just skip commenting… but everyone else gets it and i just wish I did too!! 🙈 I remember reading it from twitter and thinking… I must just be tired. I will read it from the computer and will get it then.❤️ I do get the concept of others being pretentious!! And how annoying that is. So bravo! I’m sure you achieved what you were aiming for, 😉

    Like

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