I don’t know about you, but when I was younger, back when dating apps and websites weren’t a thing, there used to be Lonely Hearts adverts in newspapers. And I don’t know what it was about this format that made it inordinately funny, but those snappy little sales pitches always used to get me going. So that got me thinking- what would some fictional characters’ adverts be like? This is obviously a post designed to be taken very seriously indeed 😉
Jeremy Fisher– elderly gentleman, likes fishing. Insects are my passion and my dinner. Hopping to live in the Lake District.
The Little Mermaid– Danish singleton, just searching for my voice and to be part of your world. Likes long walks on the beach. Excellent swimmer.
Voldemort– charming chap, with distinctive features. Wizard in the bedroom (and everywhere else). Favourite song: who wants to live forever. Very attached to pet snake. I will choose you Potter…
Count Dracula– nobleman from Transylvania. Seeks another future spouse to be eternally by my side. Loves: hosting guests, sordid affairs, black capes, bats, drinking (blood). Dislikes: mirrors, stakes, garlic, daylight.
Smaug– smoking-hot, feisty bachelor. Will warm the cockles of your heart (and set you on fire). Meat eater. LOVES GOLD.
Cersei Lannister– killer queen, who likes to keep things in the family. Looking a tall, blond, handsome, twin-spirit that shares the same values and birthdate (hey Jaime, need a hand 😉 )
Dorian Gray– gosh I’m so beautiful, have you noticed how beautiful I am? I really am a marvel to look at (don’t go in my attic)
Miss Havisham– I have the wedding dress already (may need cleaning). Likes entertaining children. I will wait for you…
Gollum– my preciousssss… I wantsss you for myself…
Bella Swan– teenage girl seeking elderly man for committed relationship… maybe, I’m not sure, *bites lip*. I might want to keep my options open (unless you want to kill me, then I’m game!). So bland you can project all your desires onto me. Likes very specific literature that I will contrive to fit my life/our relationship… Oopsie I fell over.
Iago– very accomplished man, somewhat overlooked by those who should pay me respect. Prone to fits of jealousy. Seeks woman who can help with evil schemes.
Ebenezer Scrooge– bah humbug! What is the point of celebrating our love for each other when there is work to be done? Then again, I seem to be haunted by my longings…
White Rabbit– I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date. No time to say hello, goodbye, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!
The Librarian– ook? *presents banana*
And that’s all I’ve got for now! Do you have any lonely hearts for literary characters to add? Let me know in the comments!
Very funny post. I’d go for Voldemort.
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thank you! hehehe who wouldn’t?
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👍 I know right!
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Hilarious!
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Thank you!
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OMGoodness! These are great! Thanks for the laughs!
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Glad you thought so!
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You made me laugh out loud on a day that’s not very funny – plumbing problems, no water.
Advert: Older woman, seeking a cataract of a relationship with a man who can plumb my heart.
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thank you!
hehehehe!!! I hope you find him!!
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He’s here, fixing the plumbing mess. I get to shower in a few hours. Yay!
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haha well that’s a relief!
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Love this post, it’s so funny.
There are some I would like to add –
Rupert from You Are Mine. very mix of Gollum and Dorian Gray “My Precious, I have put so much effort and suffered pain (by undergoing long list of Surgeries) to look this good. I’m just asking you to love me the way I do. how can you deny it.”
Tavarra from Veiled by Desire. a twisted and monstrous mermaid. “I wanted to walk land, marry a man who was making love to me most days, now he betrayed me and because him I stayed a day longer on land that cursed me and turned me into monster. Now people are afraid of me and I cannot possibly be with someone without eating them in night.”
Nareth from Anbatar and Calendon from The Queen’s Assassin. These two has few things in common. “We are fiercest warrior of our kingdom. We are bound fate, love our kingdom , yet it forbid us to love. Not exactly but they are not proper/equivalent suitor for their ladies.”
Barnabas and Wilfred from Barnabas Tew series “We are thrown from one mythical world to other to solve the cases of Gods. we made lot of blunder, alright, but that doesn’t mean you don’t ask us where we want to go. We have conflict there as well, our love are now in different mythical world and we honestly don’t want to go separately but we will decide something, we understand each other so well”.
Okay I’m stopping here or I would write your second part to this post in comments. 😁
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hehehehe this is amazing!!! Thanks so much for your awesome comment!!! Rupert really made me laugh!! OMG at Tavarra (now want to read that as well).
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Smaug… Hello there!
This is amazing. I love it! (Love Smaug’s especially)
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hahhaha!!
Thank you!!
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What a fun and hilarious post! 🙂
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Thank you! 🙂
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THis is such a funny idea for a post, I’d love to see a part 2! Voldemort’s is my favourite.
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Thank you!! I’d love to do a part 2 at some point 🙂
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LMAO!!! Fantastic post. Love the one about Bella. God the actress was so bland!
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Thanks!! Haha so true!
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😂😂😂😂 Bella Swan and an elderly gent!!!!
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hehehe! it was that or a hairy wolfman 😉
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😂😂😂 hairy wolfman!!!!!
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OMG, that post idea was hilarious and had me in stitches sometimes. Also, I totally remember those ads in the newspapers. Do they not still have them? Although I am not sure who exactly would respond to them …
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Thank you!! I don’t know- I’d assume they do, but I wouldn’t know who used them!
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Maybe some elderly folks? But I can’t see anyone from recent generations try that …
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Now the song White Rabbit keeps going through my head.
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hehe you’re welcome 😉
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Hahaha, this was great! I groaned at the Lannister one ( I was so “ew” when I found out there was incest in GoT) but laughed at just about every other one 🙂
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hehe yeah I grossed myself out with that one 😉 glad to hear it!
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I love these! I laughed out loud when reading the Bella one.
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Thank you!!
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You’re welcome!
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I think Smaug and I would get along very well! Provided he shared the gold 🙂
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hahahahaha! I’m not sure he’s up for that 😉
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They’re all hilarious, but Bella’s one had me laugh so hard my stomach hurt! A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. post
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hehe thank you!!
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This is a brilliant post!!🤣
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Thank you!!
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Loved this, hilarious, especially “smoking-hot, feisty bachelor.”
Also, Bella’s was great.
I used to get a kick out of reading the lonely hearts ads, especially when guys would post what kind of woman they were looking for, sometimes even including height and weight and/or measurements. OK then!
But … I am completely distracted to learn that the idea of an orangutan librarian came from a Terry Pratchett book!
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hehehe thanks!
Oh yes- I definitely remember that!!!
haha yeah it did! I mention it on my bio (and every so often 😉 ) (also if you like humour, I *highly* recommend trying a discworld book!! Maybe starting with guards guards, which is a great parody of dragon mythology… sorry, can’t resist recommending it!)
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Thanks, I’ll keep an eye out for it.
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This is GENIUS, and I lost it at Bella’s *bites lip* bit 😂 Thanks for the laugh!!
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hehe thank you for reading!
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These were such fun.
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Thank you!
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Great post, I loved Voldemort’s advert!
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hehe thanks!
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Bella was definitely the funniest! What a cool post.
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Thank you!
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I promise I read this whole post very seriously 😉 I can’t help but think that some of these adverts sound incredibly like fan fiction tags on ao3. Amazingly fun post!
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hehehe glad to hear it 😉 hehehe!! Thanks!!
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YOU HAVE KILLED ME WITH THIS POST 😂 Voldy is my favourite.
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Aww thank you!! ☺️
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These are great! I hope you did this again. Thanks for the laugh!
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Thank you!! I’d love to do it again ☺️
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I LOVE this, such a great idea! Hope you do more 🙂
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Thank you!! I definitely want to do more ☺️
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Ooooook!!!!
(The Bella Swan one slayed me hahahaha)
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Hehehe thank you!!
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Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! 😀
Particularly loved the Librarian’s ad and Bella’s: “Oopsie, I fell over!” made me laugh out loud!
Thank you for this! 🙂
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Hehehe thank you for reading!!
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This is such a fun, creative post. I especially love the villains’ adverts!
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Thank you!!
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Love this post! Made me chuckle.
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Thank you!! ☺️
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These are GOLD :’) I had a good chuckle at these. My favourites were Gollum, Miss Havisham, & Voldemort!
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Hehe thank you!!
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OMG these are the best, hahahahahah. I died at the Cersei Lannister one lmao.
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This is amazing hahaha best blog post I’ve seen in a while!!
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Thank you so much!!
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Loved this post 🤣💜
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Thank you! ❤
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You’re welcome 💜😀
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Hilarious! I think I’d go for the librarian!
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hehehe thank you!
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Lol, the Bella one is too good & accurate. 😂
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Hehe thanks!!
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This is a brilliant idea! Voldemort also gives one of a kind hugs to the reluctant. Can suit up once in a while.
The Night King: doesn’t have a type. Open to anyone and everyone.
I would totally go on a date with Smaug, what a hottie.
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Thank you say much!! Hahaha oh yes!!
Haha night king is a brilliant one!
Hehe I know right 😉
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I genuinely cackled to myself when I read the Dorian Grey one. I love this!!
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hehehe thank you!
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