Lonely Hearts for Literary Characters

I don’t know about you, but when I was younger, back when dating apps and websites weren’t a thing, there used to be Lonely Hearts adverts in newspapers. And I don’t know what it was about this format that made it inordinately funny, but those snappy little sales pitches always used to get me going. So that got me thinking- what would some fictional characters’ adverts be like? This is obviously a post designed to be taken very seriously indeed 😉

jeremy fisher

Jeremy Fisher– elderly gentleman, likes fishing. Insects are my passion and my dinner. Hopping to live in the Lake District.

little mermaid

The Little Mermaid– Danish singleton, just searching for my voice and to be part of your world. Likes long walks on the beach. Excellent swimmer.

voldemort

Voldemort– charming chap, with distinctive features. Wizard in the bedroom (and everywhere else). Favourite song: who wants to live forever. Very attached to pet snake. I will choose you Potter

dracula

Count Dracula– nobleman from Transylvania. Seeks another future spouse to be eternally by my side. Loves: hosting guests, sordid affairs, black capes, bats, drinking (blood). Dislikes: mirrors, stakes, garlic, daylight.

smaug

Smaug– smoking-hot, feisty bachelor. Will warm the cockles of your heart (and set you on fire). Meat eater. LOVES GOLD.

cersei lannister

Cersei Lannister– killer queen, who likes to keep things in the family. Looking a tall, blond, handsome, twin-spirit that shares the same values and birthdate (hey Jaime, need a hand 😉 )

Dorian-Gray-pic

Dorian Gray– gosh I’m so beautiful, have you noticed how beautiful I am? I really am a marvel to look at (don’t go in my attic)

miss havisham

Miss Havisham– I have the wedding dress already (may need cleaning). Likes entertaining children. I will wait for you…

gollum

Gollum– my preciousssss… I wantsss you for myself…

bella swan

Bella Swan– teenage girl seeking elderly man for committed relationship… maybe, I’m not sure, *bites lip*. I might want to keep my options open (unless you want to kill me, then I’m game!). So bland you can project all your desires onto me. Likes very specific literature that I will contrive to fit my life/our relationship… Oopsie I fell over.

iago othello

Iago– very accomplished man, somewhat overlooked by those who should pay me respect. Prone to fits of jealousy. Seeks woman who can help with evil schemes.

scrooge

Ebenezer Scrooge– bah humbug! What is the point of celebrating our love for each other when there is work to be done? Then again, I seem to be haunted by my longings…

white rabbit

White Rabbit– I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date. No time to say hello, goodbye, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!

unseen academicals

The Librarian– ook? *presents banana*

And that’s all I’ve got for now! Do you have any lonely hearts for literary characters to add? Let me know in the comments!

69 thoughts on “Lonely Hearts for Literary Characters

  1. Love this post, it’s so funny.

    There are some I would like to add –
    Rupert from You Are Mine. very mix of Gollum and Dorian Gray “My Precious, I have put so much effort and suffered pain (by undergoing long list of Surgeries) to look this good. I’m just asking you to love me the way I do. how can you deny it.”

    Tavarra from Veiled by Desire. a twisted and monstrous mermaid. “I wanted to walk land, marry a man who was making love to me most days, now he betrayed me and because him I stayed a day longer on land that cursed me and turned me into monster. Now people are afraid of me and I cannot possibly be with someone without eating them in night.”

    Nareth from Anbatar and Calendon from The Queen’s Assassin. These two has few things in common. “We are fiercest warrior of our kingdom. We are bound fate, love our kingdom , yet it forbid us to love. Not exactly but they are not proper/equivalent suitor for their ladies.”

    Barnabas and Wilfred from Barnabas Tew series “We are thrown from one mythical world to other to solve the cases of Gods. we made lot of blunder, alright, but that doesn’t mean you don’t ask us where we want to go. We have conflict there as well, our love are now in different mythical world and we honestly don’t want to go separately but we will decide something, we understand each other so well”.

    Okay I’m stopping here or I would write your second part to this post in comments. 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Loved this, hilarious, especially “smoking-hot, feisty bachelor.”

    Also, Bella’s was great.

    I used to get a kick out of reading the lonely hearts ads, especially when guys would post what kind of woman they were looking for, sometimes even including height and weight and/or measurements. OK then!

    But … I am completely distracted to learn that the idea of an orangutan librarian came from a Terry Pratchett book!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hehehe thanks!

      Oh yes- I definitely remember that!!!

      haha yeah it did! I mention it on my bio (and every so often 😉 ) (also if you like humour, I *highly* recommend trying a discworld book!! Maybe starting with guards guards, which is a great parody of dragon mythology… sorry, can’t resist recommending it!)

      Liked by 1 person

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