Monthly Monkey *MINION* Review

My sister dared me to do this months ago and I always sometimes follow through with dares. All for the lols, take this seriously at your own peril 😉

monthly monkey minions 3

Nowadays you can’t go anywhere without minions. You can get regular toys or plushies from this fad:

minion plushie 1

Or get one all dressed up…

minion maid plushie

Or three for the price of one stuffed into a banana…

minion plushie

Okay this one I like- 5/5 bananas

hand-drawn-bananahand-drawn-bananahand-drawn-bananahand-drawn-bananahand-drawn-banana 

Of course, I have noticed the distinctly banana flavoured note to these toys:

 

But sometimes it goes too far- I wanted to eat some bananas and what do I get? Minions!

banana minions

So I went to get some of my fave banana flavoured tic tacs and what do I find?! MINIONS!

banana tic tacs

This monkey *BLOWS A RASPERY* at the cheek of it! You may take our jokes, but you will never take our bananas! I fling my banana peels at you!

form50030

Incidentally, while we’re on the topic, there are also lots of memes… *claps like Pewdiepie* (also subscribe to Pewdiepie btw 😉 )

minion meme review

Not bad. Plus it seems like a suitably bookish note to end on 😜

Alrighty then, hope you enjoyed this fresh batch of nonsense! If you’d like any of these products, well, I’m sure they’re on ebay somewhere #nonspon 😉 And if there’s anything you’d like to dare me to do in the future, I might just do it in 6-8 months 😉

Advertisements

Books that are just cat propaganda

*Attempt at humour alert- take this post seriously at your own peril!*

cats and dogsSince that incredibly note-worthy film Cats and Dogs was released, the fact that cats not-so-secretly want to rule the world has been exposed for us all to see. Well, I posit the theory that cats have an even greater agenda! Cats are ever-present in books and their oft sympathetic portrayals are evidence that a lot of books are just propaganda, designed assist this feline takeover. Let’s look at the evidence shall we…

Dick Whittington and his Cat– cat heroics- need I say more?

dick whittington cat

This one even inspired a cat statue in London!!

The Warriors Series– more cats fighting the good fight. No points for spotting the hidden messages here 😉

warriors into the wild

The Tiger Who Came to Tealast time I mentioned this book I was larking about making fun of people that read a little too much into children’s books- but not this time! This time I’m DEADLY SERIOUS. The message of this book is very indirect, because some might even forget that a tiger is in fact a BIG CAT. But if you look below the surface, it’s basically telling young and impressionable souls to open their doors to felines, let them take advantage of hospitality and then saunter off as if nothing has happened. Well, I’m onto these disgusting fiends!

tiger who came to tea

Samuel Whiskers– even though it’s about a rat, you support the cat. Because that’s what the cats want!

tom kitten

Garfield– the ultimate fat cat teaches us to indulge our furry “friends” with lots of lasagne and basically let the scroungers sponge off us (little suspecting that they might one day pounce on an opportunity to enslave us further!)

garfield

We also can’t forget movie adaptations…

the birds

The Birds– this is super subtle, but just think, when you’re watching this movie, didn’t the thought occur to you that the problem could have been solved with a bunch of cats? Portraying their mortal enemies as our mortal enemies is one of the ways cats ingratiate themselves into our lives. I’m telling you, they’re conspiring against us!

illuminati conspiracy

Disney was also very pro cat (no I’m not skirting over the fact there are dog movies and the logo is a mouse- that’s all a front I tell you!)

Ermm yeah- so that’s my really logical argument that cats are trying to indoctrinate us through different forms of media. I doff my tin foil hat to anyone I’ve convinced- which, I’m sure, is everyone. So what books do you think are on board with this pro-cat agenda?

Also- at the risk of starting a flame-war in the comments- what do you prefer, cats or dogs? (I’m gonna disappoint you all and say that I don’t actually have a preference, I just wanted to make this silly post 😉 )

All the ways you can shoehorn politics into your book

Hello!! After my post yesterday, I thought it might be fun to talk about all the ways you can (and some of the ways I’ve seen) shoehorn politics into books- enjoy!

Usual *disclaimers* that this is satire and should not be taken too seriously applies…

First and foremost, let’s address the elephant in the room: Donald Trump is ORANGE- and there’s no way that joke’s been overused- so make it at least five times. For no reason. Preferably with cheerleaders over lunch. Because cheerleaders are very politically engaged.

orangutan and trump

Yeah laugh it up… but all us orangutans are *offended*

While we’re at it these high schoolers are having a normal conversation and then BAM *moralising*. It’s been a lonnng time since I’ve mentioned this but you can and you must *insert the most banal opinions* into dialogue. Preferably something that virtue signals just how on message the author is and strawmans the opposing view. My favourite is the good, old-fashioned “war is bad”. You can follow this up with “yes, but it’s necessary”, then “but it’s b-a-d”. Etcetera, etcetera, until the bell tolls.

saved by the bell
Well done, have a pat on the back

Oh look, your character has litter- and you know what that means don’t you… GLOBAL WARMING (of course there are several stages in between, but who cares, what is science anyway) And you know when I’m reading a fluffy teen romance, I want to be reminded that the polar ice caps are melting. Please, tell me more. Time for a page long monologue while they walk the halls…

Mean-Girls-GIF-Cady-Heron-Lindsay-Lohan-Falls-In-Trash-Can1.gif

Remember: “catch it, bin it, kill it”- put that on your book’s tagline 😉

Now your character is sitting in class. Perfect time for some internal thoughts! Perhaps akin to: “Something, something, red button, something something, we’re all gonna die… oh is that a hot guy! Never mind.” That’s called stream of consciousness and it’s for only the smartest writers!

seinfeld gif.gif

BREXIT (there’s no punchline, just put that in and leave your reader to squirm)

uncomfortable.gif

Also, the teacher gets to use their lesson as a soapbox for their political views- YAY MORE MORALISING! (actually this happens … I don’t know why I’m being so sarky about books for, they’re kinda just representing the politicisation of everyday life- which means all of the above is actually just representing real life- which makes me wonder WHAT THE HELL is happening in the real world arghhhh)

argh.gif

Annnd that’s all I have for now! What other ways do you think politics can be shoehorned into a book? Let me know in the comments!

Worst Fantasy Novel Plan- EVER!

*Lovingly made for all fantasy fans*

Ever wonder how cliche fantasy books get written? Well wonder know more, because this is the ultimate guide for writing the WORST fantasy novel imaginable! Enjoy!

pathetic fallacy sad-face-doctorBefore we get started we need a prologue about *mysterious forces* at work. It must be overladen with plenty of pathetic fallacy- make sure that wind roars and rain falls- you set that tone! Please note that this can’t have any actual bearing on the plot, because that would be daft. Instead, let’s flashback 10000 years, before the dawn of mankind, to where a magical talking rook-creature-thing lived. There- that seems sufficiently random and obscure. Now we can forget all about that and get to the actual plot…

*****

Welcome to the village of Farplace where nothing ever happens and say hello to this random farmhand Nut M Portant (Nut for short). He doesn’t have many hobbies, except horse riding, being the only person around who practices sword fighting with a staff, and visiting the old guy with the long white beard who lives on the edge of the village (watch out- he’s gonna be important). Also he spends a lot of time complaining how bored he is.

bored

wargBut then!- lo and behold- something dark and evil and wolflike (but with a human voice for convenience sake) comes to the village late at night and kills the Nut’s father, who, with his dying breath tells him to go to the old guy for help. It turns out that old guy is an important wizard known as The Last Wizard Standing (didn’t see that plot twist coming, did you?).

Yet Last Wizard is not feeling particularly helpful right now. He sends Nut on his way *immediately* without giving him any information or guidance, just an old sword.

Also at the same time an elven woman with an unpronounceable name (something like llwellgenlle). She’s from an order of Only Women-No Men Allowed (seriously keep out!) comes to the village seeking the slayer of the wolfthing (shall we just call Swargs- from the old tongue title meaning It’s A Warg- and be done with it?) She’s totally not allowed relations with ANY MAN- which means she’s perfect for a prospective love interest.

sword fightingNut runs into said love interest just as he’s coming out of Last Wizard’s hut. He is instantly struck by her beauty. Conveniently- for the sake of the plot- a Swarg pounces just as they cross paths- but Nut really easily smites the beast! (very important to note here Nut’s amazement as he’s never handled anything more than a practice sword before). The female falls into his arms in a swoon.

swoon.gif

“Hail fair maiden, I thee help!” he says to her (note: always mess up the syntax for conversations- we don’t want the dialogue to be too comprehensible).

She responds in her native tongue (he understands- naturally- even though till now he’s only spoken “common”- keep up!) (any and all translations must be done by the reader using the helpfully provided dictionary in the glossary)

“Ah fair maiden!” Nut goes on in common, for the reader’s sake. “Never fear- I have thee saved, thou wilst now be my love interest and have no need to speak at all, except for the occasional incomprehensible word, you are most welcome.”

Last Wizard comes out of his house and applauds. “That was all a test- congratulations!- you’re not dead- that means you passed!”

Yay! That’s a relief, isn’t it? As we let that sink in, Last Wizard explains that he has some very important information (though he’s shaky on the details cos *reasons*) pertaining to a quest because of a prophecy that he can’t remember the exact details of…

prophecy.gif

“Prophecy? What prophecy?” Nut asks, emboldened by Last Wizard Standing’s words.

“Prophecy- oh er- mumble bumble… Yes it’s important… but I think the soup’s burning…”

Okay so that’s enough explanation. I think it’s a good time for the Priestess/Elf/Love Interest to announce she was looking for him too- so she’s joining the quest as well. And it’s probably a good time to infodump about why she thinks it’s important to save the world- something about the trees talking and the origins of Village Farplace came and some crucially-non-crucial stuff about magical creatures… (be sure to include as much of your world-building notes as possible here- you never know how many opportunities you’ll get and you must make the most of every. single. one.)

so damn bored

wizardAlrighty then, time for the quest! Make sure to bring this forgetful wizard along for the ride, but make sure he forgets anything expedient when asked and only use his powers when you’ve written yourself into a particularly tight scrape you can’t get out of with logic (it happens). You now have the perfect plot-foil. You’re welcome 😉

Where are we going? Who knows! How long will it take to get there? Doesn’t matter! Just make sure to include these landmarks on the journey:

  • A secret cache of weapons in a not-at-all well-hidden tomb (make sure to describe weaponry and helms in excruciating detail)
  • A very beautiful, peaceful place they can rest (but not live in permanently) that’s home to the elves- preferable to visit after a run-in with some more swargs and norcs (not orcs- keep up!)

rivendell

  • An inn where they drink yummy yummy mead (actually I have had this at a fair once and can confirm it’s pretty darn good, so I get why people in fantasy drink it now, but I digress…)
  • blanked out writingA place where “natives” live- description is blanked out for offensiveness (no I didn’t actually write this bit, what do you take me for?) Here they learn important *lessons* they never thought they would from *insert ambiguous term* people.
  • You can also pad out this section with creatures like: A dragon with a hoard, some friendly dwarves, sex goddesses, a thieves guild, a rebellion, goblins, riddlers, ents, basically anything from Tolkien you’ve not managed to rip off yet.

smaug 4

Please insert intermittent exposition because, as the author, I’ve done all this work on the world building and you need to hear all of it damn it!

mordorFinally they arrive in scary, scary Ochaye- which is supposed to be the villains’ lair, but this early into the story you’ll only get a projection of him. We have the opportunity to drop lots of very mysterious truth bombs like “I killed your parents… something… lost prince… something something… chosen one.”

That sort of thing- make sure it whets the appetite, but doesn’t actually reveal anything too expedient this early in the story. Oh- did I mention- this is obviously going to be the start of a series (of an indeterminate number of books). But don’t worry- you won’t get a sequel for years cos this is a fantasy… Annnd I’m leaving it there.  The projection of the baddie disappears in a cloud of smoke. I’m sure I’ll continue this one day, but in typical fantasy fashion I’m gonna go focus on writing something else now. (Maybe an anthology of all the backstory I couldn’t squeeze in…)

Voila- you now have a terrible fantasy novel! Leave it for three years, let your readers stew, and come back when they’ve lost interest. 

The disingenuous fantasy blurb

Alrighty then- it’s Sunday! The end of another week! And last week we learnt two things… 1) I like fantasy (okay we already knew that) and 2) I can be a bit lousy about keeping up with my blog (okay we knew that too, so really we learnt nothing). This post was consequently inspired by this simple equation:

Fantasy + Lousiness = Lousy fantasy

So without further ado here is my disingenuous fantasy blurb:

Read this book- I swear there will be dragons in it. The title is vaguely dragon related after all (what did we name this in the end? Fire-flaming-dragon-wings or something…?)

smaug

Also magic- expect magic- and lots of it. (Although this will mostly be in the form of staring mysteriously into fires and errr no one having actual powers… but still…)

Plus we put TOLKIEN on the blurb just now… so now you have to read it to be considered a proper fantasy fan

Nah nah nah nah nah.png

We’ve also made this a juicy *thousand pages*- 99% of which will consist of infodumps- so yay!!

And have I mentioned that there will be DRAGONS!!

mushu

*Warning: will not contain actual dragons, just lizard people*

*Also, second disclaimer: don’t read if lots of walking gives you brain blisters*

Okay, hope you enjoyed that! Now I’m gonna try and do some blog hopping… wish me luck!

ttfn2.png

Honest YA Dystopian Book Blurb

(Un)inspired by the subject of my last review, I decided to write my own Honest YA Dystopian book blurb- enjoy!

This is one hundred percent about important issues- sort of…

I mean there will be an end of the world plot… even though the world already ended before this book began… But who cares? The world can end twice, right?

dystopian world.gif

Plus- get excited cos we have not one, but several oppressive governments nested inside each other like a Russian doll (really this book is a bargain- that’s why it’s £9.99 for a kindle edition)

And don’t worry about Instalove- IT WILL BE INCLUDED- we know how much you love it. And expect plenty of staring at the main love interest to- *lots and lots of stares*- to convey all the *emotions*. We wouldn’t want this “love at first sight” thing to be subtle. Also, we know this is important to you as a reader, so THERE WILL BE NO LOVE TRIANGLE (until book 2)…

LOVE triangle of doom

You’ve probably read about ten (better) versions of this before- but ho hum, what’s an eleventh gonna hurt? So sit up and take notice- cos I swear this will not be as exciting as the Hunger Games or Divergent (nor will the protagonist be nearly as kickass, but the narrator will tell you she is on countless occasions)

Also, if this blurb makes you *in any way* afraid for the main character, don’t be! We all know corrupt systems of government are totally useless at stopping teenage girls and their hunky boyfriend(s).

look at my knife.gif

Annd that’s it- you’ll have to read the “book” to know more  😉 Hope you enjoyed that! 

A Critical Review of The Tiger Who Came To Tea

*Insert usual “this is satire” disclaimer here: sometimes my brain just comes up with this and I can’t be held accountable 😉 *

In times of Trump…

And of Brexit…

What we really need is to come together and invite tigers into our homes… to steal our food and make our water bills impossibly high…?

Wait a minute… I don’t think this book is actually being inclusive. In fact, I think The Tiger Who Came to Tea is actually bigoted propaganda for the BNP… or something…

Oh my goodness, Judith Kerr ran away from the Nazis to start her own genocide against tigers!!! This is racist bilge and we must burn it… Cos that worked out so many times before…

nazi book burning

#MakeCensorshipGreatAgain

tiger who came to tea censorship

Oh boy- I just know I’ll get in trouble for this one- I really shouldn’t be allowed near children’s books, should I?