Ingredients for making the VERY BEST main character!

Lately I’ve been wondering what does it take to get a load of random character traits, stir them altogether, shove them in the oven and see what comes out… Because this is the year of baking metaphors 😉 In all seriousness… this post isn’t very serious 😉 (I just wanted a fun way to talk about some character tropes I don’t like). Okay time to look at the ingredients…

Let’s start with a dusting of special snowflakery. A main character has to be good at everything… otherwise how will you know they are the main one? The best way to achieve this is to have them be the best from the very beginning (but they don’t know how great they are) because if you leave them to ferment, they might simply explode in the process! No, better to just get an instant mix of perfection. Never have them be vulnerable; always give them every ability in your world. There should be nothing they can’t do- because is the point in side characters if you can’t outshine them and how else will your readers know your mc is a badass? What’s that you’re saying? You want flaws? Oh well, if you insist…

Make them clumsy! You don’t want your character to have any character imperfections (that they can work on) so instead give them two left feet! And make sure they trip over at every opportunity. Have them be uncoordinated to the point of it being baffling, causing genuinely life-threatening scenarios. Don’t worry- this won’t come across as slapstick, because you will have a love interest darkly berating them for nearly getting everyone killed over an untied shoelace. Speaking of which- introducing…

The love-interest-appendage. This entirely makes up for your main character having no personality. This love interest should be moody, speak only in grunts, but be impossibly hot. Not sounding exciting enough? Never fear! When in doubt, make two love-interest-appendages! (this will be useful later!)

And if you need these characters to do something together or bond in anyway, you can just have them be pretentious. They can do things like recite “memorised” verses back and forth. Just pages and pages to fill with someone else’s words- because that’s how you hit the big word counts! Thus you have now given them “obscure” interests that no one else has- which is especially good if you have a female lead, cos then they are conveniently…

NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS! Oh wow- who doesn’t love this trope? This character doesn’t like “normal” girly things like clothes and makeup, cos they’re just so cool and unique. One of my favourite things to include in this trope is having them be bitchy about all other female characters- especially ones who have boobs you envy or blond hair or (*OMG*) boobs and blond hair!! Because girls that have features you envy deserve your ire and this teaches teen girls really healthy messages about how they should treat other women. Also don’t have them be friends with other women- paha! No way is this possible when there is man candy on display. Let them all claw each other’s eyes out- that’s a fun form of conflict. And on the topic of bitchiness…

Your protagonist should be nice-ty. Aka they are really quite nasty, but somehow they believe (and everyone around them believes) they’re a saint. And here’s where that love triangle gets realllly useful- because you can have them cheat on their significant other, emotionally and physically, all the while having other characters saying how sweet they are and how they’re only in this predicament because they’re so nice (barf). Who knew this dilemma came from a place of pure goodness? I’m telling you, this book is going to teach so many *positive* messages.

And when in doubt, you should add some telling into the mix. Make sure to have other characters tell how clever the main character is for instance. Don’t have them problem solve a complex test or put them in challenging situations they have to get out of- just put in that they’re a certified genius and your reader is sure to believe it!

Plus, you can blend in the fact that they’re a plain jane (/plain john). And yet everyone is falling over themselves for their god/dess-like features. Weird that!

Also, add a pinch of bad parenting. Now, I say a pinch, because I don’t just mean removing the parents from the story altogether or an example of abuse. I mean, they should be non-absentee absent parents. I know a lot of people complain about dead/missing parents- so you know what’s better? A parent that’s *right there*… buuut completely ineffectual. Somehow they managed to bring up a child to near adulthood, not letting them run into traffic etc, but at the last hurdle they seem to have just taken their foot off the brakes and don’t seem to care whether their teen lives or dies. Smart.

Mix it all together and what do you get…

Bella Swan!

Okay, just kidding! But it’s pretty close! Do you agree with me here? What ingredients would you add? Let me know in the comments!

Book characters I would fight! – Inspired by Paperback Dreams

orangutan list

Not much of a preamble for this: I saw this over on Paperback Dreams and thought it would be fun to do. Especially after I’ve been talking about being all girly

orangutan in dress

I thought it was time for a transformation!

boxing fighting orangutan0002.jpg

I think you’re supposed to see a load of characters and decide whether you want to fight them- but I figured why not just take down a bunch of peeps I really don’t like. Let’s go for the traditional twelve rounds in the ring shall we…

Round 1

Harry_Potter_and_the_Order_of_the_Phoenix

Dolores Umbridge– she deserves a smackdown even more than Voldy- am I right?!

Round 2

game of thrones book

Joffrey Baratheon– there are a lot of villains worthy of being beaten up in Westeros- however I don’t think I could even manage to lay down the law with the likes of Cersei, let alone anyone else. Joffrey on the other hand is not only a total weasel, he’s also a bit of a wuss- I think I could take him

Round 3

selection

America– THE MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER EVER! Supposedly in the prime position to help save her country and marry a prince, this “charming” whinger spends three books deciding which bloke she prefers.

Round 4

new moon

Jacob Black– Ok I put him on this list knowing full well I couldn’t win. I dunno, I could distract him with pictures of babies and maybe I’d have a chance… see why I’d want to fight this one now?

Round 5

lolita

Humbert Humbert– speaking of perverts, this one would deserve it more than most. If I’d made it this far, I think my worry wouldn’t so much be his strength as that he’s a slippery snake and I’m not sure I could beat him there.

Round 6

hunger games

President Snow– I don’t think the odds are in my favour for this one- yet he seems keen on poison- maybe I could try that?

Round 7

armadale

Lydia Gwilt– talking of poison instantly brought this villainess to mind. Her villainy stems more from cunning, so I reckon this fight would be more about outwitting her.

Round 8

court of thorns and roses

Tamlin– moving on to brute force, I don’t stand a chance of winning this, BUT Tamlin is officially the WORST example of an alpha male in fiction and I gotta give it my best shot. Now, I recently heard Maas saying this was intentional and he was designed to be a douchbag (although, while I can rest easy in the comfort I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG, it does make some of the things Rhys does in book 1 more questionable). Regardless, I reckon I’d even have the author’s approval for this one.

Round 9

tess

Alec D’Urberville– on a similar note, this guy is a douchbag and deserves a beat down.

Round 10

Bronzehorseman.jpg

Alexander– ugh this two timing creep perving on the mc totally deserves a smack round the head- at the very least!

Round 11

after the fire

Father John– because blech!

Round 12

gone with the wind 2

Scarlett O’Hara– this might be the least popular choice I make, cos she’s technically a heroine. But after recently reading the book, I had to go with it. Granted she could probably kill me (and doubtless wouldn’t blink at it) but she’s a terrible person and she’d deserve it.

Phew, that was more exhausting than I expected! And I think I got my ass whooped a few times there. But it was worth it. Do you agree or disagree with any of my choices? Which characters would you chance if you got the chance? Let me know in the comments!

The Character Dating Profile Tag

So since I have absolutely no free time right now and I’m desperately trying to do a million things at once… I thought now would be a great time to make up my own tag… Cos, you know, I’m like that…

Yay procrastination!

character-dating-profile-tag

This tag is fairly simple- I have seen a few character tags around in the past, but wasn’t quite feeling them, so I thought I’d make my own compiled of some dating profile questions! Plus, for all you non-writers out there, this can totally be used for book characters as well!

Let’s get on with it shall we?

Rules:

  1. Link back to the creator The Orangutan Librarian
  2. Answer as your/a character
  3. Have fun!

❤️ Name ❤️

Jules Dorrien

(He is such a liar!)

❤️ Age ❤️

20

❤️ Interested in ❤️

Both, either, any

❤️ Looks ❤️

Blond, blue eyes, bit of a rock star.

(Okay he’s not lying. Though he omitted he’s got quite a few tats he covers up… for good reason)

❤️ Religious views ❤️

Religious views? What’s that? Oh you mean thoughts on gods- I’m very interested. Very.

❤️ Greatest ambition ❤️

You don’t want to know

(That’s true)

❤️ Favourite Hobby ❤️

Smoking

❤️ Three BEST Skills ❤️

*Shrugs*

(Yeah- he’s not gonna answer that one- so I’ll answer for him: the art of persuasion, being super shady and he’s pretty handy with a knife)

❤️ Ideal Partner ❤️

*Shrugs again*

(Even I don’t know that! I’d say he’s flexible- especially on morals)

❤️ Perfect Date ❤️

 Getting really drunk

Phew- I thought I’d stop there, cos I may have made a mistake picking this character- he was feeling pretty uncommunicative! I tag:

Hey Ashers

Eve Messenger

Claire @ Art & Soul

Sarina Langer

Sarah Doughty

Jill

Kat

J J Azar

Daley Downing

Marie

Roseread

And anyone else that wants to do this!

Rip It Or Ship It

rip it or ship it book tag

Hi all! Thank you so much to the amazing Analee @ Book Snacks for tagging me to do this way back in February! I am super excited to do it!

Alrighty then- basically for anyone that doesn’t know, this tag works by getting loads of characters names on slips of paper, picking two at random and deciding whether you RIP them or SHIP them!

(Disclaimer: there will be lots of Game of Thrones characters in here- cos I’ve been rewatching it lately in preparation for the new series started on 24th of April!!)

Draco Malfoy + Mr Knightley 💔

Oh dear- we’re not off to a good start!

knightley and malfoy

Rip it!

Daenerys Targaryen + Madam McGonagall 💔

Both strong women- but somehow I can’t see them together at all!

dany and mcgonagall.png

Rip it!

Darkling + Lord Henry ❤

Yes to this one! Lord Henry is basically just the literary version of Oscar Wilde and is wickedly wonderful. I’d imagine he’d be wonderful with the Darkling.

Ship it!

Cersei Lannister + Ramsay Snow ❤

Two absolutely awful characters- they deserve each other!

cersei and ramsay snow.png

Ship it!

Mark Watney + Elizabeth Bennet ❤

Yes to this one too!! Both are sharp and witty- they’d be great together. Who cares if they’re not from the same century?

mark watney and elizabeth bennet.png

Ship it!

Rhaegar Targaryen + Bellatrix Lestrange 💔

Oh dear- Rhaegar cannot catch a break- he definitely doesn’t deserve to be with this witch- I mean look at her:

bellatrix lestrange

Rip it!

Aemon Targaryen + Harry Potter 💔

Well- this is a wonderfully weird image

aemon targaryen and harry potter.png

Rip it!

Jon Snow + Dumbledore 💔

Again- this is super weird! No, just no.
jon snow and dumbledore.png

Although in this instance, Dumbledore doesn’t seem nearly as unhappy about it as Jon.

Rip it!

Walder Frey + Celaena Sardothien 💔

This wouldn’t work at all! But at least Walder Frey would die a horrible death cos Celaena would kill him for sure!

walder frey.png

Rip it!

Baz + Lupin ❤

I’ve always secretly thought Lupin was gay and didn’t buy him with Tonks at all (random I know)- so I totally see this.

Remus_Lupin_sized

Ship it!

Hermione Granger + Aragorn 💔

I’m sure people will disagree with me on this one, but I just don’t see this at all

hermione and aragorn.png

Rip it!

Will Herondale + Smaug 💔

Haha this is wonderful- but so wrong on so many levels

smaug

Rip it!

Dorian Gray + Clary Fray ❤

Sure why not? (Okay Dorian Gray is a vain murderer- but I’m not feeling like such a huge fan of Clary these days).

dorian gray and clary frey.png

Ship it!

Tessa + Maven ❤

I don’t even know why I ship this one but I do! (Maybe it’s cos I like Maven in a weird way and cos Tessa’s strong enough to handle him. Or maybe it’s cos so many of these were so awful that in contrast this seems like a good idea)

Ship it!

Tyrion Lannister + Lolita 💔

Oh dear- here’s another one that can’t catch a break- poor Tyrion! And poor Lolita!

tyrion lannister

Rip it!

Adelina + Sirius ❤

Not exactly the luck of the draw for Sirius either, but I can see this more than others in this selection. And who knows- maybe they’d do each other good (and maybe Sirius would do Adelina some good and distract her from her power hungry rampage- who knows?)

sirius black

Sirius doesn’t look so sure though

Ship it!

Bella Swan + Mr Darcy 💔

Nope- no way! Bella *does not* deserve Mr Darcy!

bella swan and mr darcy.png

Rip it!

America + Jem Carstairs 💔

And America does not deserve Jem either! He’s too good for her!

Rip it!

Jacob Black + Emma Woodhouse 💔

Ugh- this is only getting more and more horrible. Emma is way to good for this mopey adolescent werewolf.

jacob black and emma woodhouse.png

Rip it!

Captain Thorne + Edward Cullen 💔

Haha no way- Captain Thorne is way too good to be wasted on a sparkly vampire.

EdwardCullenSunlight

Rip it!

Cress + Voldemort 💔

This would just be terrible! I couldn’t have picked a worse person for such a sweet character.

voldemort

Then again- look at that winning smile…

Rip it!

Levana + Stannis Baratheon ❤

I hate both these characters- so I totally approve of this! Plus Levana reminds me of the Red Woman. They deserve each other.

stannis-baratheon-game-thrones.jpg

Ship it!

The Hound + Renesmee 💔

Absolutely not! What? It’s not my fault a baby was in the draw- Stephenie Meyer made her a love interest in Breaking Dawn– it was totally legitimate for me to put her in here. But yeah, the thought of her with the Hound is disgusting.

the hound and renesmee.png

Rip it!

That was so awesome (and a little bit horrifying!) Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!

I tag:

The Petite Book Blogger

Brontes Page Turners

Wretched and Divine

Being a Book Nerd

Greenish Bookshelf

#lovebooks

This Book That Book

Words and Lyrics

Keira

Embuhlee

Codie

Zezee

Mud and Stars

Kirsty’s Book Reviews

And everyone else!!