To the graduating class of whatever year…

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So, I was reading a book recently by an author that just so happened to get an honorary degree at my graduation and it brought back memories of that “auspicious” occasion. I thought I might recount what I remember of the Dean’s speech, for your amusement, since it left a distinct impression with me:

“Ah- what a charming but irrelevant non-denominational hymn we just heard from the obligatory choir. Greetings graduating class of… err wow is that the year already? Time really does fly by, but this speech won’t, so get comfortable!

“You are all people. You have all had- uh- experiences. Some of you, for instance, had cereal for breakfast. And if you did not have cereal for breakfast, you have probably had it at some point in the past. Unless you are a celiac- in which case I’m surprised you made it this far- just a joke! Just a joke! Please god, don’t get me fired!

My point being, I’m sure each of your journeys, while entirely dissimilar, ultimately bears some resemblances- however small. You have all raced, or in some cases strolled, to the finish line. Now you have arrived, I want you to take a long hard look in the mirror and feel proud. Or not. It is entirely up to you- this is in no way me harassing you to do something you don’t want to do.

I myself am incredibly proud to stand in front of a room of strangers and pronounce them all adults- except for the screaming baby in the back who is perhaps getting ahead of the game a couple of decades early? It was very nice to meet- err I mean mentor- you all.

Now I’d like you to queue up at the front to be boinked on the head with a mystical, space bonnet! (this is a real custom guys)

NB this was satire- *surprise*- so I have to say this wasn’t the actual speech read at my graduation- but it’s close enough 😉

And to anyone graduating this year, congrats! (and if you graduated once-upon-a-long-time-ago, give yourself a pat on the bat, cos there shouldn’t be an expiry date on self-congratulation 😉)

Comedy for the Easily Offended…

Well, if you are easily offended, this post will either make you lighten up, or more likely make you want to kick my ass. I recommend the former 😉

Right now there are a lot of free speech debates raging in the UK, partly thanks to various speakers (of all political persuasions) being shut down on campuses and partly because a youtuber who goes by the name of Count Dankula was convicted of making a “grossly offensive” joke (a video called “m8 yer dug’s a Nazi”). No this is not an April Fool’s prank, I live in a country where that’s real news. If you want to know my opinion, it’s basically in line with this:

Honestly, I don’t care if you find the video distasteful or not (although, I’m Jewish and I found the original video funny, so there’s that) because guess what? Humour is subjective and it was a JOKE! But if you don’t care about this guy’s free speech, flip it round and think about what would happen if the shoe was on the other foot. Imagine you’re the one making the joke and some sob decides to lock you up cos they didn’t find it funny. First they came for the comics…

Meanwhile Buddha the dog gets off scot free… DO YOU SEE HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS?! So since the comedy police are out in full force, I’ve decided to share some of the most OFFENSIVE HUMOUR I could find on the internet:

Humanity– Ricky Gervais has been a bloody hero lately and I watched his latest comedy special on Netflix and it was a riot. And it’s bound to offend people within the first 5 minutes.

Steven Hughes– since we’re talking offence taking, I’m pretty much obliged to put this on here.

Sasha Baron Cohen– there are *so many* examples, I didn’t know which one of his many, many characters to pick, so I just went with one clip.

Curb your enthusiasm– likewise, there are umpteen examples I could have used, this one just happened to be appropriately about offence-taking.

Chris Rock– frankly I just wanted the opportunity to “research” his old bits- I thought lots of people would have a problem with this one so I put it on here 😉

Bill Burr– if you’ve survived this far into the post, boy do I have the most offensive humour for you

Andrew Lawrence– he’s so offensive, some schmuck tried to get him banned from the beebs. Here’s him talking about it:

Okay, that’s enough comedy for one day. I’ll leave you with a “sedate” quote from the reputable Chris Ray Gun: “life’s a joke and tragedy’s the punchline”. So lighten up!

Be honest- how many of you want to kick my ass now? If you answered no to that- do you have any comedy recommendations for me? Let me know in the comments! (If you answered yes, here, have a banana and chill out 🍌 😉 )

The Existential Crisis of Goodnight Moon

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So I have done a fair number of analyses of children’s books- but nothing comes close to this. Because this book is so full of meaning and existential despair that I have decided to show my workings to you all:

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Looks heavy doesn’t it. that’s because beneath the seemingly minimalist style is the full weight of nihilistic philosophy. It’s not just about going to sleep- it’s about some severe anxiety and OCD behaviour patterns that underpin a deep seated feeling of resenting existence. It is everything and nothing all together.

Yeah, I know, deep stuff right. No I swear this is not just some claptrap I’m making up on the spot. If you “read between the lines” you’ll see this is chocoblock with symbolism about life and death. I mean clearly night and sleep are just metaphors for death. And the clocks are clearly ticking away in the background, counting down the minutes until we pass out of this world… Plus all those cats are clearly harbingers of doom. Lots and lots of doom.

So I think I’ve sufficiently proved my point- hope you enjoyed that extremely dark reading…

And if just to let you know the Saturnalia is still ongoing- so if you would like to enter- check out my last post for details!

Announcements and MASSIVE THANK YOU!!!

So last week this happened….

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I think you can probably imagine the squeals, but just in case, here’s an idea…..

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I am absolutely chuffed that this happen and just want to say a MASSIVE *thank you* to all of you!!

So announcing a little something I’m calling:

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(yes, yes I know historically speaking this would have been in December- but it’s not like the Romans can call me out for being culturally insensitive…)

So just for a bit of background, the Saturnalia was the winter solstice in Ancient Rome, and was typically a time of partying, gift giving and for everything going a little topsy turvy- masters became slaves and slaves became masters! Free speech and satire ruled the roost! (Whoop!!)

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve already started with a little satire of my own… And because I love comedy, I thought I’d do a little contest to encourage you to all write and share *your* own comedy and satire. This can be something you’ve published before or something new- it’s upto you! And it can be written or cartoons (because I know there are some talented cartoonists out there on the blogosphere). All you have to do is link to this post or comment down below with a link to your post!

Prizes: The prize will be a book (or two, if you can manage it) worth upto £15 on Bookdepository for the best entry and being featured on this blog. If there are enough entrants there may be a second place prize.

Conditions: This contest will be open until 12:00 GMT on 3rd February 2017 and is open to any country that Book Depository ships to- the full list can be found here. Prizes cannot be shipped to PO Boxes. You have to be over 18 or have the permission of your parents to give me details such as your full name and address (none of which will be shared). The final decision will be made by me.

Annnd I think that’s all the legal shmeagle stuff. Hopefully it’ll be a bit of fun and I look forward to seeing your posts!

Right now I’m off travelling, so don’t panic if I don’t reply to your comments/posts, but there will be a couple of (hopefully) amusing little posts while I’m away- TTFN!

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A Less Than Thrilling Book Blurb

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In my effort to read more widely this year, I’ve started picking up a genre I rarely ventured into in the past: I have entered the rather dark and deadly world of thrillers. And while I have found some of these very entertaining, I find I am often rather put off by the blurbs. So I decided to put together an example made up of all the composite elements that I see so often on the shelves. Enjoy!

*Dramatic voice*

Jane Doe hasn’t been the same since the death of her BELOVED (but ultimately irrelevant) RELATIVE. Even though she has the perfect life, perfect husband, perfect home- her life is far from uncomplicated.

Something isn’t right. Everything around her is SUSPICIOUS- phone calls in the middle of the night, weird glances from her husband and even people following her that disappear whenever she looks round! Then, just when she thinks she might be going crazy, she sees something shocking that will change her life forever. *dun dun dun*

Now she has so many questions- like will she ever find out the truth? Or won’t she? Is she losing her mind? And most importantly, in the grand scheme of things, does it even matter?

GIRL- GOING SOMEWHERE…. is just like Gone Girl… sort of… I hope… (Whatever- it has “girl” in the title- so that means women have to like it- and so do men- otherwise you’re all sexist!!)

Still you should read it cos some girly magazine said it’s “SPECTACULAR” (well, “spectacularly bad”, but that’s almost the same) and BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!

*Disclaimer: you may, or may not, see the twist coming*

Okay- that was a little weird- hope you enjoyed that. Let me know if you’ll be reading Girl Going Somewhere… when it hits the shops- in, well, never! And see if you can guess the *crazy* twist!