What really happens after rom coms…

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE rom coms. But sometimes, I have my doubts about the longevity of the couples in them- particularly when the chemistry mostly comes down to an intense amount of bickering. Too often the writers take two people who have absolutely nothing in common and no shared values… and smooch them together based on one romantic moment/meet cute and a few flirty lines. So this is what happens after one of those stereotypically awful rom com couple gets together (and all the usual tropes have been applied to their story):

AHhh what a beautiful day- it would be so lovely to just skip work and enjoy it with the person you love… except if you do that you’ll lose yet another job (because you can’t keep skipping round in romantic paradise forever). So as much as you love pretending to be being that spontaneous person your lover made you, you’re gonna have to be the old you for just a minute.

And with that you realise every day is not sunshine and roses and that arguing non-stop in the rain is exhausting (yes, I am throwing shade at the Notebook).

Obviously there’s still lots of miscommunication ALL THE TIME- only these days it’s over putting the bins out…

And now they have kids (because of the *surprise pregnancy* plotline at the end of the story) who are definitely being neglected and screwed up by all the needless drama (naturally I’m going to forget about them for the rest of the post, but they do exist, so just imagine little Timmy and Tammy looking sad in the corner).

Oh and they didn’t actually think about the fact they live on different continents, so one party, is absolutely miserable about having given up their friends/family/job to be with this other person. They’re basically having to rebuild their lives with this absolute child love of their life.

And since she’s a Strong Independent Woman That Don’t Need No Man, she’s always giving speeches telling him how she doesn’t need him, she’s stronger than him and she could beat him up if she wants to (and she does want to)… which seems borderline abusive.

But not to worry, because he’s still that guy that controls her every move and follows her around when she goes grocery shopping (which GODDAMMIT isn’t cute anymore because she really wants space to clip her toenails and pick her nose and do other gross human things for a minute!!)

Oh and not to mention his phone is still being hit up by all those girls he used to date- after all he was a playboy in his pre-rom-com life (as was shown in the montage at the start of the movie).

And actually, now you’re back to arguing about that big betrayal that proved you guys shouldn’t be together at all…

Still they have their cutesy moments together where they snuggle and he tells her she reminds him of himself (even though, as previously stated, they really have very little in common and she was only pretending to be into baseball that one time they went five years ago…) 

Anyway, you can’t tell your friends you are DESPERATE to do a runner, because you alienated them all when you got together in the first place and it’s taken you this long for them to accept you as a couple.

So, you’re kinda stuck with each other. Which I suppose is fair enough considering all the shit you pulled in the past (including leaving that poor schmuck at the altar!) I guess you both kinda had this coming.

And that’s it! That’s what happens after the dysfunctional couple gets together in a rom com! But what do you think? Am I being too cynical? Let me know in the comments!

Can I Interest You in Some… Crap Days Out?!

This book was the shit.  I looked at that cover and thought “this will either be brilliant or awful- there is no in-between”- and it turned out to be really funny (if you have a somewhat immature sense of humour). Yes, I get why this isn’t the most popular or well-loved books (just look at the goodreads rating of 3.13) BUT it’s perfect if you don’t take things too seriously. And it’s ideal for people looking for new places to visit in 2022… and need a list of places to avoid!

In this quintessentially British guide, you’ll hear about some of the worst best beloved places you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT NEED TO GO TO! Nowhere is sacred- not even our top attractions like Madame Tussauds and Stonehenge (honestly, I love both of those… though I can’t quite put my finger on why… something this book had me questioning!) It even gave me flashbacks to my childhood, when a misguided parent tried to take me to the pencil museum (even I don’t like stationary that much).

With hilarious observations about just how weird British culture can be, you’ll read this book and question your life choices and why you listened to me and titter at all our idiosyncrasies. I already know I’ve got one person to read this and regret it- you could be next!

I do have to admit, this fizzled by the end and got really repetitive (I have to ask the authors why they felt the need to put some of these places in twice?!) However, I can forgive it because I only have myself to blame for reading this in the first place and it was only delivering what it promised. Really though, I learnt a valuable lesson from this book (and can save you the time and money of reading it if you like): kids only want to go to Disneyland, you cheapskate! Gonna give this book a great big pile of bananas (even if the authors of this book end up writing a follow up book complaining about why all fruit are rubbish:

I may be the only person on the planet who enjoyed this book- but sometimes you love what you love! 😉 What’s the weirdest book you enjoyed lately? And… are you bonkers enough to pick this up too?? Let me know in the comments!

How To Write Without Actually Writing Anything Ie Tips On How To Procrastinate

Because I am the expert and I am sharing my hard-earned wisdom 😉 You’re welcome!

#1 Daydream!!! This is a great one, because you can literally spend hours doing this without achieving anything (and yet you will feel creative and emotionally fulfilled… in your head at least. Don’t skip this step- it is essential so that you can hit your procrastination goals!!

#2 ALL THE RESEARCH- especially if it is irrelevant to the book at hand. For instance, are you writing a thriller set in Wales- then it’s the perfect time to look up the weather in Zimbabwe! Or are you writing a historical novel about Maoist China- time to look up the most popular cheeses in the world! Because why not? There is a subreddit for everything and someone has got to read them- it could be you!!

#3 Listen to inspirational music. This will put you in the mood of writing… even if you don’t actually pick up a pen. At least you got in the right mood!

#4 Watch ALL the Youtube advice videos- particularly samey ones on the same topic. I know I love hearing the same advice over and over (and never following it). I also find they can be really helpful at psyching yourself out of even trying.

#5 Put on the TV to drown out your thoughts (and impending existential crisis).

#6 Call all your family and friends and acquaintances to tell them you have a great new idea for a book- because nothing kills time better than talking about something rather than doing it.

#7 Find all your old stories and stare at them until they dance off the page (no, you’re not going crazy, you are coming up with ways to make them better- I promise… though maybe you should see someone at this point).

#8 Make notes on all the things you need to be doing- you can even write this in your planner if you’re feeling extra conscientiously unconscientious. Don’t worry if this feels dangerously close to doing some work- you will methodically ignore this plan day by day- just make sure you put your plan somewhere prominent so that it can haunt you for all eternity.

#9 Write pointless blog posts (masquerading as humour) that give bad advice no one really needs… like this one!

And that’s all I have for today! It’s surprisingly easy to procrastinate and get nothing done- you can do it too if you put your mind to it! And if you’d like to share more stellar advice on how to make no progress, feel free to leave it in the comments! We could all use the help!

Confessions of a Book Addict!

Hello all! After writing with *no disclaimers*, I thought it might be fun to continue in that vein and give you ten bookish confessions… which I may very well regret making 😉 enjoy!

#1 I spend way too much time thinking about the books I ought to be reading (than actually reading). But don’t we all do this? 😉

#2 I find all those #relatable bookish posts on social media far too relatable 😉 I still like to trawl through twitter for them (when I should be doing better things… like reading 😉)

#3 I don’t actually want to talk when my book is open!!! (And I don’t know why this still needs to be pointed out to the rest of the world!)

#4 Yes, I do actually want to spend all my spare money on books, thanks for asking!

#5 I spend way too much time plotting planning to get hold of new books. I think about if I have it in my budget, if it’s available at the library, if it might be better to listen to the audiobook version… basically I overthink everything and turn each book acquisition into a full-blown project!

#6 Sometimes I don’t want to read your favourite book- sorry! I get A LOT of suggestions… and I don’t always find them interesting… so I have to make a quick escape from the conversation…

#7 That said, if I tell you I do want to read something, I’m planning it out already. Just bear in mind some of these convoluted plans can take years to execute 😉 Don’t be surprised when you finally catch me reading your favourite *years* after mentioning it!

#8 And at the same time, if a book crosses my path, I’m always a little intrigued. I’m definitely going to look it up and down, maybe feel it up, get under the dustcover… even if all that frisking ends in rejection anyway. I have no scruples when it comes to my book addiction!

#9 I’m done trying to be objective about books- I’ll settle for honesty. If I can’t see a book’s merit, I’ll say so.

#10 I take inspiration from a lot of things I read… even if they’re bad (maybe even especially if they’re bad, cos it’s often more encouraging than reading the greats 😉)

And that’s all for now! Do you share any of these bookish habits? Or do you have any confessions of your own to make? Let me know in the comments!

How to Run a Book Blog… Seriously (Not Serious)

I’ve been doing this for *years* now- doubtless my blogging grey hairs are showing- so it got me thinking about what it’s like to run a blog. I thought I’d share my “words of wisdom” with you all, cos clearly I know best 😉 Obviously, (disclaimer) I’m poking fun talking about my experience, so try not to take it personally (though of course you may very much relate 😉). Without further ado, let’s get into how to run a brilliantly bonkers book blog!

First of all, DISCLAIMERS ARE THE BEST!!! And everyone clearly loves them 😉 that’s why you doubtless skimmed my introduction and disclaimer 😉 We have to include them, because otherwise people get angry. But we also make people angry by including them. And anyone that was likely to get angry over what we wrote will ignore said disclaimer anyway… ergo feeling free to get angry. So, we’re off to a good start!

Now, when it comes to formatting your post, you want to make sure everything stands out. Use all the bold and underlining imaginable. And don’t forget TOO MUCH CAPS LOCK!!!! Oh and exclamation marks while you’re at it!!!! (And brackets work as an afterthought) (yes, I’m guilty as charged, whatcha gonna do about it?! 😉)

When it comes to planning your posts, it’s a great idea to stick to a schedule… which is why I never do. That way you keep your readers on their toes! Speaking from experience, people love to be frustrated with you and have no idea what you’re going to do next. It’s also great if you can disappear from time to time (with little to no explanation). Being flaky is the hallmark of being a good blogger 😉 Then when you come back, you can issue a ton of apologies, just to irritate everyone a little more 😉 I like to pull this stunt monthly- because I like to be regularly irregular. You’re welcome (and sorry about all this!!)

I also like to have a plan when it comes to posts… then change it at the last minute when you get a totally different (and hopefully better) idea (case and point this post came after I scrapped something entirely more sensible and probably more interesting 😉). It’s just a way I like to increase my workload. And not knowing which post you should’ve gone with is a healthy way to increase your own insecurities over whether you’re doing this the right way. Win win.

When it comes to reviews… do them… sometimes… Personally I like to several in a row, then none for months. It’s best to maintain your reputation as totally haphazard and inconsistent. (Of course there’s also loads of ways to write reviews, which I’ve already discussed, but the general idea is to shift gears all. the. time.)

Embrace your most obscure/weird/unpopular opinions. You can never be too opinionated! Praise obscure books and bash books that are really popular… that will make people confused and angry. Lots of controversy for controversy’s sake is always welcome! Remember, the more people that don’t like you, the better 😉

Change things up at random… people love randomness 😉 If you want to stop talking about books for a few months and go on about the eating habits of parrots… do that! No one will read those posts anyway- and that’s what you ultimately want! Bonus random points if you start a blog series, do it for a few months… then trail off unexpectedly. Because why should you finish something you started?

Decide you are going to make BIG CHANGES…. Then never do it! For instance, say hello to my little cartoon friend, who was absolutely definitely not going to star on this blog sometime in the near/far future…

Spend more time fiddling with formatting and unimportant admin than actually writing posts. Think of it as the ultimate procrastination- because you feel like you’re doing something, but aren’t really.

Also, come up with a million blog ideas that you do all the work and endless research for… Yet never commit to actually finishing. Juggle too many things at once- it just makes sense!

Chaotically switch up your social media presence. As soon as no one’s looking, I love to just  d  i  s  a  p  p  e  a  r…

And that’s how I like to embrace the *chaos* in every area of my blogging. My god, after going through that I’m seriously grateful to you all for being patient with me…

What do you think of my blogging habits/advice? 😉 Do you have any “tips” to add? Let me know in the comments!

Ways to be creative (when you’re not feeling it)

I think this is self-explanatory- this is obviously going to be a TOP QUALITY advice post on how you can find ways to be creative, even when the muse has fled:

tinker changes fix car

#1 Pick up a project you’ve already finished and see if you can find *some* way to tinker with it…

brainstorming ideas

#2 Brainstorm for new ideas (which really just means scribbling random things in a notebook- but no one’ll know if you look serious about it 😉)

lightbulb moment

#3 Go for a walk and invent stories (or even conversations with strangers) in your head. This is a highly productive exercise that you will no doubt mine from in future projects 😉

learn language

#4 “Learn” a language on Duolingo- pretending one day you will try to replicate Tolkien (you won’t)

mood reader 1

#5 “Research” some topic that may or may not be relevant for your next project- this can mean looking up obscure topics on reddit or even reading scientific journals or (when all else fails) ogling googling pictures of celebrities… for inspiration purposes of course 😉

gingerbread

#6 Make a batch of gingerbread cookies and give them funky outfits (I’d use my own examples but 1) I eat them pretty pronto after making them and 2) I’m not exactly talented when it comes to baking and so they usually come out looking come out looking somewhat deformed… which is another reason to eat them quickly/put them out of their misery 😉)

cat playing piano

#7 Pick up that instrument you never learned how to play and make a few out of tune sounds like you’re strangling a cat (you’ll know it’s time to stop when people come running to see where the banshee is)

bad singing

#8 Sing along (tunelessly) to BIG BALLADS!

elaine bad dancing

# And maybe incorporate some dance moves 😉

painting

#10 Doodle!!

read satisfied

#11 Write a post for your blog… just like this!

And there you go- any blocked feelings you’re have undoubtedly vanished and you’re back to your usual creative self! Possibly… 😉

How to (re)interpret a book in a supremely superior (and nonsensical) way!

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about bad interpretations and I realised it’s actually a lot of work to come up with rubbish! So, naturally, I couldn’t help but write a uselessly absurd post about how it might be achieved (as always, this is just a joke and meant in good fun- not trying to throw shade at anyone!). And, for once I can safely say, don’t worry if you don’t like reading: there’s a good chance you won’t even have to read a single book to do this properly! Let’s get onto my “helpful” guidelines:

thinking monkey

#1 Start with your own biases and conclusions and work your way backwards- this is simply the best way to ensure you get the interpretation you desire. It doesn’t matter if it fits with the work at all, as long as your happy with the analysis- that’s the main thing! And the great thing about this is you can add your own person touch: if you don’t like certain characters/love interests/plot points, you get to decide what it meant all along… even if it runs contrary to the actual text (told you, you wouldn’t actually have to read the book!)

guilty judge

#2 Everything in a book either shows the author’s noble intentions OR shows them to be an utter scumbag. This is because every. single. word. in a book is the author’s real thoughts and they must be rewarded or punished for whatever is said (delete where appropriate)

rainbow flag

#3 All the characters were secretly gay- whether the book specifies this or not. This is just a good interpretation, regardless of the story.

read-fast

#4 Nothing is a mistake. Inconsistencies or typos or any printing mishaps are all pregnant with meaning, so you must labour to make them make sense. If there is a typo on page 26, it’s not only secretly deliberate, but it also tells you that the number 26 is the secret to the universe.

think pen write

#5 There is genius in all sentence structure/line breaks. If you cannot find the meaning behind it… make it up!

highlighters

#6 Also, don’t overlook the importance of adjectives. Each one is deep and meaningful. It is there for a reason and you must find it dammit!

worship

#7 The author is god: if they tell you how to interpret their book, then that is the correct answer (bonus points if you can use the author’s interpretation to attack or praise them- this means you can resurrect your attitude from #2). Ignore all evidence from this point on. On that note…

destroy evidence

#8 Never, ever, EVER use actual evidence. This is offensive. Remember, if you want to write true nonsense, logic must be thrown out the window, doused in oil and set on fire. The best phrase to use when someone asks you why you think something is “read between the lines”- then you are free to act superior and like anyone who disagrees with you is an absolute idiot (because, of course, they are)

grave robbing

#9 Do not admit to or acknowledge being wrong. Remember: the secret to being superior is having the right attitude and that means pretending to be super human at all costs. No matter how big of a hole you dig yourself into, you must never back down and must continue until down that tunnel until either your opponent throws themselves in to save you OR you reach the earth’s core and are fried in molten lava… whichever comes first! And finally…

pathetic fallacy sad-face-doctor

#10 There is an age-old view that reading and writing should be fun- BUT THIS IS OUTDATED! (I mean, we all know that anything that is old is bad nowadays, so you should have seen this coming). It is VERY IMPORTANT that other readers understand that reading is a miserable experience at all times and know what a sacrifice you made to indulge in this hobby undergo this procedure. Also, books no longer have any escapist elements- everything in them is always a gloomy interpretation of the awful state of reality (extra points if you can link a book to current events- whether this is relevant or written with the foreknowledge of where the world was heading. Personally, I’m looking forward to the academic work on how the Bronte sisters predicted the pandemic!)

And that’s it! That’s the *absolute best* way to interpret a book! I hope you learnt a lot/enjoyed reading my ridiculous ramblings! 😉

But of course, as perfect as this advice is, I’d like to know if (by some bizarre accident) I’ve missed something- are there any other silly ways we should be interpreting what we read? Let me know in the comments!

My Quaratbr!

Aww what a cutesie title… for something that’s gonna get dark pretty fast 😉

trelawney fortune telling

My fortune– I must consult the stars to find out my fate! (I’d say I’ll be looking at tea leaves, but let’s be real, those are in short supply 😉 ) Oh you thought this post would be serious? Okay then, I can do serious…

scary news*THE NEWS*- cos we need regular updates on how we’re all DOOMED- okay maybe too serious. How about something a little more upbeat? I know, thinking about food usually cheers me up, but oh wait

 

All those recipes for things I can’t cook because people have been stockpiling and there’s no food left (people have even gone for the bananas!!!)

watch tvThe TV guide– because even if you can’t plan your next meal, you can plan your next TV marathon!

 

 

bad writing gigUnfinished drafts– yes, I did write this one while staring at the page for a good ten minutes trying to figure out what to say next 😉

 

 

wash your handsInstructions on how to WASH YOUR FILTHY GERMRIDDEN HANDS (turn on tap, lather up soap, rub for 20 secs while singing happy birthday… see, now you’ve ticked one item off your TBR 😉)

 

confused dogsThe government’s lockdown guidelines– which you will need to read over and over and over again to make head or tail of… annnd still be stuck on (both physically and metaphorically) days later.

 

ralph helloMessages from loved ones– partly because we love them, mostly cos there’s sod else to do 😉 But on the positive side, mine tend to send me…

 

 

 

ALL THE MEMES! Frankly, the one good thing to come out of this situation!

Annnd I wish I could say this is an April Fool’s Joke- but it seems like this year, the joke’s on us! Also, clearly after a few days of being a cooped-up monkey, I’ve completely lost the plot! Hope you enjoyed this! Now go wash your hands!

Lonely Hearts for Literary Characters

I don’t know about you, but when I was younger, back when dating apps and websites weren’t a thing, there used to be Lonely Hearts adverts in newspapers. And I don’t know what it was about this format that made it inordinately funny, but those snappy little sales pitches always used to get me going. So that got me thinking- what would some fictional characters’ adverts be like? This is obviously a post designed to be taken very seriously indeed 😉

jeremy fisher

Jeremy Fisher– elderly gentleman, likes fishing. Insects are my passion and my dinner. Hopping to live in the Lake District.

little mermaid

The Little Mermaid– Danish singleton, just searching for my voice and to be part of your world. Likes long walks on the beach. Excellent swimmer.

voldemort

Voldemort– charming chap, with distinctive features. Wizard in the bedroom (and everywhere else). Favourite song: who wants to live forever. Very attached to pet snake. I will choose you Potter

dracula

Count Dracula– nobleman from Transylvania. Seeks another future spouse to be eternally by my side. Loves: hosting guests, sordid affairs, black capes, bats, drinking (blood). Dislikes: mirrors, stakes, garlic, daylight.

smaug

Smaug– smoking-hot, feisty bachelor. Will warm the cockles of your heart (and set you on fire). Meat eater. LOVES GOLD.

cersei lannister

Cersei Lannister– killer queen, who likes to keep things in the family. Looking a tall, blond, handsome, twin-spirit that shares the same values and birthdate (hey Jaime, need a hand 😉 )

Dorian-Gray-pic

Dorian Gray– gosh I’m so beautiful, have you noticed how beautiful I am? I really am a marvel to look at (don’t go in my attic)

miss havisham

Miss Havisham– I have the wedding dress already (may need cleaning). Likes entertaining children. I will wait for you…

gollum

Gollum– my preciousssss… I wantsss you for myself…

bella swan

Bella Swan– teenage girl seeking elderly man for committed relationship… maybe, I’m not sure, *bites lip*. I might want to keep my options open (unless you want to kill me, then I’m game!). So bland you can project all your desires onto me. Likes very specific literature that I will contrive to fit my life/our relationship… Oopsie I fell over.

iago othello

Iago– very accomplished man, somewhat overlooked by those who should pay me respect. Prone to fits of jealousy. Seeks woman who can help with evil schemes.

scrooge

Ebenezer Scrooge– bah humbug! What is the point of celebrating our love for each other when there is work to be done? Then again, I seem to be haunted by my longings…

white rabbit

White Rabbit– I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date. No time to say hello, goodbye, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!

unseen academicals

The Librarian– ook? *presents banana*

And that’s all I’ve got for now! Do you have any lonely hearts for literary characters to add? Let me know in the comments!

The most pretentious post you will ever read…

Well hello everybody! So, two things have been irritating me lately: 1) people calling things pretentious when they’re not actually pretentious (no beautiful writing does not automatically equal pretentious) and 2) pretentious people being pretentious (usually the same people labelling things pretentious when they’re not). Which is why I’ve decided to do the totally “mature” thing and make THE MOST PRETENTIOUS POST IN THE WORLD just to set the record straight/show that anything you can do I can do better (*yes this is satire, thank you for noticing* 😉)

Alrighty then, let’s get into this discombobulation of an articulation of my emancipation from the oppressive forces that is the English language. Yeahhh look at all those “ations” going into my word salad- myself is a veritable genius 😉 Hope yourself likes myself’s use of hypercorrection there. Thusly, myself thought I’d share my hypnotic-transcendent-mind-boggling-patriarchy-smashing-dominative-sociocratic art with you- enjoy/be amazed by…

crease in the wallpaper

Crease in the Wallpaper

A reference, of course, to Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s work, using shades of light and dark to obfuscate the question is anything even real? The fact that you can barely even see it represents how we are blind to the evils that exist in society purely to oppress us.

bleeding radiator

Bleeding Radiator

As the title suggests, this is a powerful piece reflecting on the wounds society invariably and unwittingly inflicts upon us with is shadowy gaze and accidental touch.

popped balloon

Popped Balloon

Like my hopes and dreams after this post- completely deflated.

peeled banana

Banana Peel

I’m a monkey, I just really like bananas. Also *symbolism* which you’ll have to figure out for yourself.

And my favourite:

frayed carpet

Frayed Carpet

I am poor. Send help.

(unfortunately/fortunately we temporarily got rid of the rising damp in the bathroom so you can’t see that in all its glory)

(NB: though I have been forced to use the typical trappings of frames that society superficially demands I use, this is only so that you take me seriously in an increasingly unsympathetic world where artists go underappreciated, NOT because I am a “total wanker” as critics claim.)

(NBB: all the photos are raw and unfiltered… except for the ones where I’ve used filters)

Wowwww what a treat that was for the universe. Now let’s get onto my poetry. Alas- there won’t be a live performance of me accosting-strangers-on-a-street-corner à-la-nouveau slam poetry style, so since you are robbed of that, you’ll have to use your imaginations to witness me shrieking wildly *in your mind’s eye*:

Everything

was

floating

above the

nothings

Of

my

human

membrane

Dying

in

the

infinite forevers And

hopping

around

on a

kangaroo…

THE END! Finito! *Takes bow*

I sincerely hope you did that justice by picturing me just like this:

stressed monkey orangutan0002

One day some lucky sod’s gonna be studying that prestigious work of art for GCSE. And on that beautiful note, I’ll love you and leave you 😉