Hello all, I have a very *ahem* serious post today about how to write some serious fiction! Usual disclaimer: this is for humour purposes and not to target any particular book/author (funnily enough, while I did draw on bits and pieces I donāt like in fiction, writing this actually made me think that *thankfully* most books dubbed āimportantā do none of these things). Also, a lot of this is based on my own personal likes/dislikes. Thank you for your understanding in this matter š Now, onto the guidelines!

#1 Choose a suitable genre– your options are: contemporary, historical fiction, dystopia annnnd thatās it.

#2 Find a topic thatās on trend and run with it! Make sure it matches up to whateverās on various manuscript wishlists, because you know, this isnāt really about writing your ideas, itās about parroting whatever *important people* think. *Do not* choose something close to home or write from any personal experience. If you run out of time to publish this grand idea before the trend dies- never fear, you can just recycle it later! For instance, if you were writing important historical fiction a few years ago, you couldāve gone with the secretly sympathetic Nazi trope- but now you may have to adjust that idea to⦠some seriously sympathetic Stalinists! (just my prediction for the next trend- youāre welcome! š)
#3 Loosely research this topic. You donāt want to interfere too much with your preconceived ideas, so donāt do actual research or find data that might muddy the waters. Ignore information that may contain nuance or will make readers uncomfortable (for this reason, I seriously recommend not looking into any kind of psychology or history or the like). Go with popular media takes- then you should be safe from criticism, cos all the people who might evaluate the book already hold the same opinions anyway. I recommend using Buzzfeed as your primary source- that should suffice.

#4 Moralise! This is my favourite step, because itās so gosh-darn-easy and oh-so-satisfying! This should involve (but is not limited to): strawmen, pointlessly obvious statements (eg āwar is badā), contradictory ideas, invasive authorial intrusions, a heavy dose of nihilism (if you can manage it), irrelevant information and some illogical arguments. Remember, your view (and that of the powerful people youāre parroting) is the only one that matters!
#5 Make all your characters walking stereotypes and tokens! This is great, cos you donāt actually have to put in the work to make them seem remotely realistic. On that noteā¦
#6 Characters are merely mouthpieces for the authorās intent– so donāt you forget it! At every opportunity, put your own (stolen) words into their mouths. The more inane, the better!
#7 The more important a book is, the less the plot matters⦠so donāt bother to have one! I know I just love reading a book and realising that nothing actually happened for 400+ pages- so this is the model you should work with!
#8 Add plenty of nonsensical melodrama (nothing says serious like melodrama!). Try to have the emotional range and logic of a hyper, high on sugar, possibly caffeinated five-year-old- that should do the trick. Especially since everyone knows unrealistic is better (personally, I love that Hollywood trope where the unarmed plucky rebels run at a group of armed, evil soldiers and miraculously disarm them- peacefully of course!)
#9 I had a think about style and came to the conclusion⦠it doesnāt matter if you use an extreme version of pared down or purple prose- just as long as you tell other writers this is the *only* way to do it! Prescriptive advice is the best and the most important writers are really into it- so you should be too!
#10 Your ending is super important– use this as an opportunity to moralise more and drive home whatever message you were going for!
#11 Get sensitivity readers to check that your work is sensitive enough for every person on the planet– because it is totally possible to write a book that everyone relates to/loves/doesnāt have problems with (and because there has been no case *ever* of a book going through this process and being cancelled anyway⦠oh wait, thatās the case with most cancelled books, hmmm nevermind! Do this step regardless! Your job is not to think for yourself!)
#12 Write in your acknowledgements about a dead friend/relative/acquaintance whose real-life story you were inspired by– preferably naming them- so that you can milk sympathy on their behalf. This doesnāt look tacky at all!
#13 Prepare an apology of sorts that you can put in as an introduction to make up for your lack of research. You can also pre-emptively say sorry on twitter for whatever youāve written, whilst simultaneously self-promoting and virtue signalling! Look at you, killing three birds with one stone! (also, while youāre on twitter, try and destroy someone elseās career- this is both fun and will make people want to buy your books when the time comes! There are only loads of a few cases of this backfiringā¦)
***Congrats: youāve written some propaganda an important book***
Now you can sit back and wait for people to admire your genius! Youāre welcome!
(And yes, the observant reader will notice this doesnāt involve much writing- that is only for unimportant writers!)