HOW (not) TO READ REVIEWS

I’ve been doing this nearly four years and I’ve received a lot of advice in that time- some of which has even been good 😉 Nonetheless, thanks to all the bad advice, I now think I also have a good idea of how not to approach a book blogger. So, I’ve compiled a “useful” list, for all those not in the know, of all the best ways to make a reviewer irate.

NB *please note, this is all in good fun, take this satirical piece seriously at your own peril* 😉

im-right-youre-wrongCorrect the reviewer on their opinions because their opinion is wrong and yours is right and soon they’ll understand that. Don’t be constructive and give reasons for your disapproval- it’s preferable if you use ad hominems like “you’re thick as pig shit” or more pretentious terms if you can manage it. Remember you can use a thesaurus on the internet and it doesn’t matter if your insults make sense- just try to find the longest word possible (like floccinaucinihilipilification or supercalifragilisticexpialidocious… although that second one’s more of a compliment 😉 )

pretending to readWhen you critique a review, don’t bother to actually read the review– remember your opinion is valuable and the reviewer is bound to listen to you, even if your suggestion makes no sense in the context eg “in the future you could write what genre it is” in a review that states as much in the first line- this will leave the baffled reviewer reading and rereading their work, trying to figure out what the hell you meant- which is what you want!

angry inside outAsk the reviewer why people are reading their review– make sure you say this in an as aggressive tone as possible- preferably in ALL CAPS example: I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE READ THIS TRASH!

 

I'm offendedGet insulted on behalf of the author for negative reviews– particularly if the author is a millionaire. Remember to take any criticism levied extremely personally- cos your hero’s honour is at stake and you must defend it! If they knew you existed, said author would probably thank you (or, you know, not).

angry catCritique the blogger’s layout– cos why not- if it’s offensive to your eye then it must be bad and if you don’t like the images they used, they have to know about it dammit.

 

 

 

you need to shut up.gifAnd my favourite: if you don’t like what a blogger has to say- harass them on twitter. This will not only show the world that you’re a *good person* but is a great way to change someone’s mind (also mind you don’t listen to any counter arguments they offer because you are a GOOD PERSON and they are a BAD PERSON). I have to add that this is an incredibly convincing tactic, cos I’m sure “YOU’RE WRONG, I KNOW YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCE BETTER THAN YOU DO!” has convinced many people in history (particularly when coming from strangers).

Annnd *ouch*, I think I’m feeling the sting of my own sarcasm after that. What do you think of this list? Have you any other “helpful” criticisms to levy at book bloggers? Don’t be shy! And Happy April Fool’s! 

RIP Mad Hatter (a eulogy to my recently departed laptop)

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

So I know that for those of you not following me on twitter, this might come as a bit of a shock, but my laptop passed away last week. After battling various viruses, undergoing numerous operations, the Mad Hatter has finally succumbed to old age (well it was 8 years old in acer-computer years, which means it was roughly 200 in human years 😉 ).

I’d like to say the bastard died in its sleep, but unfortunately he took the “do not go gently into that good night” approach, stuttering out of existence in the same way he lived: loudly and with as much fuss as possible (it’s probably thanks to all that damn poetry I’ve fed it over the years). Finally, however, it decided to go to sleep, with the thoughtful message that it would not be turning back on again.

As you might have gathered, we were not friends- in fact I was mildly abusive to him- but someone ought to deliver his eulogy- someone that knew him best- and that someone was me. I was the one to piece this Frankenstein’s monster back together and he repaid me in kind by crashing on me while I was doing my dissertation. Ahh good times.

Anyway, I think it’s time I addressed the Mad Hatter directly: we went through hell together- mostly due to your monstrous unreliability from the early days- and a little big part of me is glad to see the back of you, but I still shed tears at your passing (of frustration). May you rest (in pieces) and find solace in your eternal slumber under my bed (until I start rummaging through you trying to see if I can salvage any last bits from your hard drive).

Alright- I think that about sums it all up. Sorry I’ve not been active online this last week- I scheduled my posts and then everything went kaput. But it’s time to move on to bigger and better things. For where there is death, there is also life… welcome to the world Harry Potter!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Monthly Monkey *MINION* Review

My sister dared me to do this months ago and I always sometimes follow through with dares. All for the lols, take this seriously at your own peril 😉

monthly monkey minions 3

Nowadays you can’t go anywhere without minions. You can get regular toys or plushies from this fad:

minion plushie 1

Or get one all dressed up…

minion maid plushie

Or three for the price of one stuffed into a banana…

minion plushie

Okay this one I like- 5/5 bananas

hand-drawn-bananahand-drawn-bananahand-drawn-bananahand-drawn-bananahand-drawn-banana 

Of course, I have noticed the distinctly banana flavoured note to these toys:

 

But sometimes it goes too far- I wanted to eat some bananas and what do I get? Minions!

banana minions

So I went to get some of my fave banana flavoured tic tacs and what do I find?! MINIONS!

banana tic tacs

This monkey *BLOWS A RASPERY* at the cheek of it! You may take our jokes, but you will never take our bananas! I fling my banana peels at you!

form50030

Incidentally, while we’re on the topic, there are also lots of memes… *claps like Pewdiepie* (also subscribe to Pewdiepie btw 😉 )

minion meme review

Not bad. Plus it seems like a suitably bookish note to end on 😜

Alrighty then, hope you enjoyed this fresh batch of nonsense! If you’d like any of these products, well, I’m sure they’re on ebay somewhere #nonspon 😉 And if there’s anything you’d like to dare me to do in the future, I might just do it in 6-8 months 😉

Discovering More of My Old Writing

Hello all! I just have a quick, fun post today… where I embarrass myself with more of my old writing 😉 Sound like fun? Good!

I found this tucked away with some stuff from Year 9, so I’d guess I was around 14 (ooh look at me guesstimating the approximate age of the piece through contextual clues- I sound like a proper little archaeologist- don’t I? 😜 ) Anyhoo it was just on a little scrap of paper, can only rightly be called “Untitled” (otherwise I’ll give the whole plot away 😉 ) and though it’s not as epic as the previous childhood masterpiece I shared, it’s good for a laugh regardless. So here we go…

humpty dumpty writing.jpg

Oh I was very punny. Also I like how I went back and annotated this piece later. But mostly, ouch at the spelling- and at poor Humpty’s fate tbh 😉 Teen me had a point- he cuts a pretty tragic figure! What do you think? Am I right? Or am I on shaky ground here?

Humpty dumpty falling of the wall

Let me know in the comments!

A Critical Review of The Tiger Who Came To Tea

*Insert usual “this is satire” disclaimer here: sometimes my brain just comes up with this and I can’t be held accountable 😉 *

In times of Trump…

And of Brexit…

What we really need is to come together and invite tigers into our homes… to steal our food and make our water bills impossibly high…?

Wait a minute… I don’t think this book is actually being inclusive. In fact, I think The Tiger Who Came to Tea is actually bigoted propaganda for the BNP… or something…

Oh my goodness, Judith Kerr ran away from the Nazis to start her own genocide against tigers!!! This is racist bilge and we must burn it… Cos that worked out so many times before…

nazi book burning

#MakeCensorshipGreatAgain

tiger who came to tea censorship

Oh boy- I just know I’ll get in trouble for this one- I really shouldn’t be allowed near children’s books, should I?