Why Satire Is Evil!!!

Disclaimer: My satirical pieces have attracted some comments about being insensitive in the past and I was gonna do a serious piece about what satire is- you know, clear everything up- buuut, let’s be honest, I can’t do serious! So I wrote this instead!

Disclaimer about the disclaimer: satirical work requires a disclaimer so that people don’t get shot for making a joke- which shows that it must be evil because it’s only ever evil people that get murdered…

So in the past I’ve written a number of satirical pieces on here- but now I have seen the error of my ways! I mistakenly believed it was one of the stalwart institutions of a free society, employed since the dawn of democracy to challenge the ways we look at the world. How wrong I was. Because of all the whining and butthurt comments I’ve seen on this blog and around the internet in general, I realise now it launches indefensible attacks on ideas, cultures and people. Obviously it is an evil enterprise conducted only by the most narcissistic, nasty and noxious of human beings. Don’t believe me? Well prepare to be bamboozled by my really, really, really well thought out arguments on why satire is evil:

  • Because satirists are offensive bastards who should be shot. It is literally their job to cause offence- that’s right, you heard me correctly. They’re trying to get under your skin and make you think- the shits. “But that’s not nice! I don’t want my ideas challenged!” I hear you say- no it isn’t nice or genteel or polite in any way- hence the only respectable response is violence. Because obviously words are provocative and if you say something mean, people should retaliate by killing you. (Or at the very least assault)

pope-insult

  • Because satire is unsanitary. It’s not just that it uses downright offensive language- but that it’s all around unwholesome, inappropriate and dirty as hell. And if you can’t have it around your kids then it’s got no place in society. OH LORD WON’T YOU THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!

think-of-the-children

  • Because it uses humour as a weapon– and humour should never be used as a weapon. There’s obviously got to be a better solution to difference of opinion than talking it over or laughing about it. I mean, that’s what fists were made for. Duh.

singing-sword

  • Because satire is a double edged sword and satirists are always falling on their swords (the dumb fucks). I mean, forget all about killing satirists, they usually string themselves up in their work, tying themselves in knots with their blatantly ridiculous arguments, their self-deprecating humour and their inability to keep their mouths shut. If anything the biggest victims of satire are the satirists themselves. We should all join in solidarity to pity the poor fools that feel compelled to make this stuff. (In fact we should pity them with our money and attention- by buying their stuff and publicising it as much as possible. That’s the only way to show them how much we loathe them)
  • Because satire is a slippery genre that refuses to be pinned down– it’s not something to be taken seriously and yet it’s often a cover for serious issues- what are we supposed to make of that?!? Again- it’s like satirists want us to use our brains or something… The nerve of it!

hitler-nein-nein-nein

  • Because satire breaks all the rules. Don’t you know there are rules about what is and what is not funny? It’s not just about what makes you laugh. No, no, no!! It’s about obeying rules. Nothing says “laugh out loud” like being told by totalitarian tyrants when to laugh. Personally I find it hilarious to have someone standing over me informing me when it is safe to belly laugh and when I’d better keep my chuckles to myself! (For instance, right now I am making a really serious point and don’t want you to laugh! Stop laughing!! I said STOP!!!)

And that is where I’ll leave you. I hope you now know how truly despicable the satirical genre is and that you feel sufficiently sorry for satirists in general- enough to read, promote and share their work as much as possible 😉